Foster Care to Adoption: Fail

I had hoped I would never have to write this type of blog.  It was never our intention or desire for a placement to end like this. 

We took the call a few weeks ago. A 9 year old girl leveled at behavioral. This means she has had issues in the past of non-compliance, acting out, most likely ADHD and lacked parental structure and support. We asked the right questions, thought on it, and although we clearly stated we would only take 'traditional' level children at this time, we agreed to meet her and then to a weekend visit. 

Our first visit with her was heartbreaking. You could clearly see ADHD was evident, she was very shy, dirty and scattered.  We agreed to a weekend visit and she blossomed.  We truly believed with nourishment, love, support and good sleep, this girl would thrive. I asked more questions and learned her sad history and that no one in her family was coming for her.  She had no one.  We discussed it with our oldest, making sure she was ok with the placement of an older child in our home and discussing with her the necessity for open communication. I took her shopping for new school supplies and clothes that were clean and fit well.

Within 24 hours of taking custody we were left with immense frustration and surprise.  She was on an extreme dose of powerful medication, showed signs of sexual abuse and had clear mental instability.  I specifically asked about all of these things, very thoroughly. We were lied to and now we were stuck between a rock and a hard place.  We knew this type of situation would be too much too handle while raising our 3 young children. However, our children seemed to be adapting well to her and she was doing well in school. Her 3rd one in 2 months.  We debated and agonized for many nights over what to do.  We thought we could handle it, give her stability and these things would work out.

Then our oldest began having anxiety attacks, our youngest was clingy and needy, I was becoming sick with stress and within 5 days my marriage was struggling.  I knew the answer, but I also knew what that meant. That I had failed. Not just a fail that you learn from and move on. I failed a child.  It's another move. Her 6th move in less than a year.  She was tossed between family members for some, but abused in foster care as well. 

I felt like I was giving up on her and she wasn't important enough for me to try.  She was hard to love, for sure...but she is a life worth loving.  That being said, I have children and a husband and a job and home that need to thrive just as much as she does. Ignoring them would be unfair.  There was no easy answer to this. For every pro there was a con.  In the end, I had to contact her caseworker, give her the facts and ask for a new placement for her. She immediately began with the guilt trip of how well she was doing and this had been her best placement yet.  I don't blame her...it's hard to place a child in the right home.  Either way, it wasn't working and she legally had 2 weeks to find a new home.

Then, things turned.  I took her to her psychologist appointment in Kansas City and within a few hours she was being admitted for observation.  This isn't how I had hoped it would go, but she is finally getting the treatment she so desperately needs and I can only pray she is placed in a home that can devote the time and attention she so deserves. 

We have already gotten another call from Home Finding. To say this isn't emotionally exhausting would be a lie.  There are so many needs out there, so many children caught in the middle of poverty and abuse. 

For us, we're taking a step back. We need to regroup, rethink, refocus and heal ourselves.  I'm not sure what God has planned for our future or what we will decide from here, but for now we're putting our focus back on our kids that He has blessed us with.

Until then...