Foster Care to Adoption: Fail

I had hoped I would never have to write this type of blog.  It was never our intention or desire for a placement to end like this. 

We took the call a few weeks ago. A 9 year old girl leveled at behavioral. This means she has had issues in the past of non-compliance, acting out, most likely ADHD and lacked parental structure and support. We asked the right questions, thought on it, and although we clearly stated we would only take 'traditional' level children at this time, we agreed to meet her and then to a weekend visit. 

Our first visit with her was heartbreaking. You could clearly see ADHD was evident, she was very shy, dirty and scattered.  We agreed to a weekend visit and she blossomed.  We truly believed with nourishment, love, support and good sleep, this girl would thrive. I asked more questions and learned her sad history and that no one in her family was coming for her.  She had no one.  We discussed it with our oldest, making sure she was ok with the placement of an older child in our home and discussing with her the necessity for open communication. I took her shopping for new school supplies and clothes that were clean and fit well.

Within 24 hours of taking custody we were left with immense frustration and surprise.  She was on an extreme dose of powerful medication, showed signs of sexual abuse and had clear mental instability.  I specifically asked about all of these things, very thoroughly. We were lied to and now we were stuck between a rock and a hard place.  We knew this type of situation would be too much too handle while raising our 3 young children. However, our children seemed to be adapting well to her and she was doing well in school. Her 3rd one in 2 months.  We debated and agonized for many nights over what to do.  We thought we could handle it, give her stability and these things would work out.

Then our oldest began having anxiety attacks, our youngest was clingy and needy, I was becoming sick with stress and within 5 days my marriage was struggling.  I knew the answer, but I also knew what that meant. That I had failed. Not just a fail that you learn from and move on. I failed a child.  It's another move. Her 6th move in less than a year.  She was tossed between family members for some, but abused in foster care as well. 

I felt like I was giving up on her and she wasn't important enough for me to try.  She was hard to love, for sure...but she is a life worth loving.  That being said, I have children and a husband and a job and home that need to thrive just as much as she does. Ignoring them would be unfair.  There was no easy answer to this. For every pro there was a con.  In the end, I had to contact her caseworker, give her the facts and ask for a new placement for her. She immediately began with the guilt trip of how well she was doing and this had been her best placement yet.  I don't blame her...it's hard to place a child in the right home.  Either way, it wasn't working and she legally had 2 weeks to find a new home.

Then, things turned.  I took her to her psychologist appointment in Kansas City and within a few hours she was being admitted for observation.  This isn't how I had hoped it would go, but she is finally getting the treatment she so desperately needs and I can only pray she is placed in a home that can devote the time and attention she so deserves. 

We have already gotten another call from Home Finding. To say this isn't emotionally exhausting would be a lie.  There are so many needs out there, so many children caught in the middle of poverty and abuse. 

For us, we're taking a step back. We need to regroup, rethink, refocus and heal ourselves.  I'm not sure what God has planned for our future or what we will decide from here, but for now we're putting our focus back on our kids that He has blessed us with.

Until then...

Disclaimer: A blue collar dad in a Foster world

                It’s 3 words on my phone screen. 2 nouns and a verb to be exact. 3 words that all of us use multiple times in our daily vocabulary. However, when arranged in a certain order, they form a phrase that’s familiar to a very small group of people. “Home Finding Center”. And when you see that phrase come up on your phone screen as an incoming call, there’s one reason, and one reason only that your phone is ringing. A child somewhere out there needs a place to land, a bed to rest in, 3 square meals a day, and someone to ensure that it happens. I’ve taken 2 of those calls now. Ashley took the first. And even after sitting in hours of training and driving many miles back and forth to and from said training, it still catches me off guard when they call to actually ask the question, “Do you have room for this child?” It catches me off guard because, like many of us, my days start early, at a high rate of speed, and it only increases from there. I spend my day juggling a phone, a steering wheel, some wrenches, a checkbook, and what I can only hope and pray are the right parts in order to keep my already unraveling schedule somewhat parallel to the plan. Guess what’s the farthest thing from my mind during all this? You guessed it – “Mr. and Mrs. Farrell, we have a child coming into care that needs a home.” Then that’s followed by a brief description of the child, sex, race, age. Which in fact are things that have become almost unnecessary information to me. My brain is actually hearing, “Mr. Farrell there’s a human out there that needs your families’ help and resources.” It’s not a baby girl, not a baby boy, not a black toddler, not a Latino teenager, not a Caucasian 9 yr old girl. It’s a human, just like me, just like you. If only our world would adopt a bit of that mindset.

                This is my first blog post and to be an honest, I couldn’t give you the specific definition of what a blog even is. From what I can tell it’s just a published journal entry so that’s what you’re getting here. I’m going to give a little back story on who I am and how I ended up here. If you would’ve talked to me back in high school or the following few years and told me that I’d be a foster parent, I would’ve told you not only that you’re crazy, but also that you’re just wrong. I never planned on being a parent to anyone. I didn’t dislike kids or have a deep seated reason for not wanting any. I was the oldest of 4 so I’d had plenty of kid time. And I was ready to head out into the world at a dead run and kids just didn’t enter into that equation. I loved my life but school was not my forte and the quicker I could put distance between me and that phase of life was for the better.

                Enter - Ashley Schubert. Ashley was my girlfriend through high school and we were crazy about each other. But we fought. Constantly. About anything. About everything. Lol. I think we both assumed we’d drift apart after high school, but getting into the world where I could get traction and be challenged calmed me down significantly. I began to choose my battles and we grew closer and closer and I proposed in July of ’04. We were young, so young. Lol. But one thing was very clear, if Ashley was in my life, kids would be in my life. I’d never seen anything like it, she was like a small human magnet. Kids flocked to her and she was excellent with them. And she loved them, all of them, no matter their color, code, or history. And anyone who’s ever seen her work with kids knows EXACTLY what I’m talking about. She’s a natural. And don’t think for a second that kids can’t tell this. They can. Ashley has always worked in child care in some form or another and although I didn’t know it was possible, she’s gotten even better with them. She’s been to class after class and tons of training sessions. And when you couple that with the real world, daily experience she has with kids, she can tell you why they act like that, what caused them to become like that, and the best plan to keep them on or steer them towards a healthy start at life whether it be socially, nutritionally, academically or otherwise. Her love for the smallest of us has truly rubbed off on me, and I couldn’t ask for a more kick-ass team mate to march down this journey with. Brian and Vickie – you raised a truly amazing person.

                We’ve just taken in our 2^nd placement. She’s a human and she needs what all young humans need. A stable environment, a schedule that includes a bedtime, someone to tell her to shower, daily. And possibly most of all, interaction with kids who have had all those things since they were born. I must admit, in high school and the years after, I became very negative and intolerant towards people in our society who I assumed were “using” the system. It angered me that some of us work so hard and others just choose not to. And government just seemed to not care either way. In fact, as a business owner it almost always seemed that they were encouraging me to give up and live off a welfare check. This, my friends, turned out to be a major flaw of mine. And I still fight to keep that “I pay my taxes, I work 60 hr weeks, I get up at dawn every day, I put food on the table” mindset from raring its head. Because there’s always more to a situation than meets the eye. I have no way of knowing what these people have been through. I have no way of knowing what their true mental state is. I have no way of knowing how their parents treated them as a child. And you know the best part? It’s not my job to figure any of that out, or drag myself down thinking about it. My job is to help people however I can, and if I’m unsure of whether a person actually needs my help or is using me, I will tell you that it’s always better to error on the side of grace. I’m not saying to ignore your gut or walk blindly into dangerous circumstances. But it will always be to your benefit to error on the side of grace. Thank you Pastor Brian Zahnd for making that simple statement.

                The little girl in our home now is doing awesome. I don’t have a whole lot to say yet because she’s only been here a day. But so far, she hasn’t done anything they told us she would. If anything, she’s only proven the fact that you’re a product of your environment. Not that we have the perfect environment, but she’s been polite, courteous, even helpful. When she arrived she told us she didn’t eat much, we soon found out this was false. Lol. She is an eating machine, she must be trying to out-do our daughter Natalie because she has done nothing but inhale food all day. Then my wife comes into my office tonight with glistening eyes telling me how the girl came to her and said how much she loves it here because she doesn’t have to steal food when no one is looking. She’d been being punished for eating more than her allotment. Here comes my anger back into my head, “what kind of piece of “blank” person punishes a growing kid for eating?!?” Hold up there Sean, maybe they only had enough for 3 meals, maybe that food was for another kid. Point is, again, I don’t know details. My job is to make sure she’s getting plenty of healthy food when she’s here and is not punished for eating without asking. (We’re not talking about candy here, the girl is asking us before almost every bite if she can have bread or pears). Last night Ash taught her how to properly shower and prepare for bed. This morning she helped me change a bike tire and followed that up by learning to ride the bike!! I promise you that teaching a 9 year old how to ride a bike would never even occur to me as our 4 yr old buzzes by and our 6 & 8 yr old fly by on their 4 wheeler. Onto the next challenge! Maybe tomorrow we’ll teach her to drive or mow grass! Point is, she’s interested in learning and is successful when challenged. And that is more uplifting than you can imagine.

                I knew when we took her it’d be much different than a baby. And it’d make a preemie baby with endless appointments look like a cake walk. But at the same time I’m excited. She’s 9 which means we can carry on a conversation, she’s able to go and do fun stuff that our family loves to do so much of. She’s a perfect playmate for our kids which are 4,6, and 8. I know there will be struggles and moments of pain. But this is what we signed up for. As long as she’s in our care she’ll be fed, bathed, clothed, and maybe even have her hair done! She was the happiest looking disaster of a 9 yr old girl I’d ever seen when she came to visit. Lol. She’s smart, caring, and beautiful and we will enjoy and learn in the time we have with her.

                I’ll finish by thanking each and every one of you who has expressed thanks or provided supplies or help to us. I feel awkward even writing this but I know people need encouragement and enjoy hearing the stories. Someday I’ll get Ash talked into writing that book we always say we should write. It’s a good life folks, enjoy what you’ve been afforded and help someone in need even if it seems like the simplest thing.

                                -Sean-