Foster Care to Adoption: Fail

I had hoped I would never have to write this type of blog.  It was never our intention or desire for a placement to end like this. 

We took the call a few weeks ago. A 9 year old girl leveled at behavioral. This means she has had issues in the past of non-compliance, acting out, most likely ADHD and lacked parental structure and support. We asked the right questions, thought on it, and although we clearly stated we would only take 'traditional' level children at this time, we agreed to meet her and then to a weekend visit. 

Our first visit with her was heartbreaking. You could clearly see ADHD was evident, she was very shy, dirty and scattered.  We agreed to a weekend visit and she blossomed.  We truly believed with nourishment, love, support and good sleep, this girl would thrive. I asked more questions and learned her sad history and that no one in her family was coming for her.  She had no one.  We discussed it with our oldest, making sure she was ok with the placement of an older child in our home and discussing with her the necessity for open communication. I took her shopping for new school supplies and clothes that were clean and fit well.

Within 24 hours of taking custody we were left with immense frustration and surprise.  She was on an extreme dose of powerful medication, showed signs of sexual abuse and had clear mental instability.  I specifically asked about all of these things, very thoroughly. We were lied to and now we were stuck between a rock and a hard place.  We knew this type of situation would be too much too handle while raising our 3 young children. However, our children seemed to be adapting well to her and she was doing well in school. Her 3rd one in 2 months.  We debated and agonized for many nights over what to do.  We thought we could handle it, give her stability and these things would work out.

Then our oldest began having anxiety attacks, our youngest was clingy and needy, I was becoming sick with stress and within 5 days my marriage was struggling.  I knew the answer, but I also knew what that meant. That I had failed. Not just a fail that you learn from and move on. I failed a child.  It's another move. Her 6th move in less than a year.  She was tossed between family members for some, but abused in foster care as well. 

I felt like I was giving up on her and she wasn't important enough for me to try.  She was hard to love, for sure...but she is a life worth loving.  That being said, I have children and a husband and a job and home that need to thrive just as much as she does. Ignoring them would be unfair.  There was no easy answer to this. For every pro there was a con.  In the end, I had to contact her caseworker, give her the facts and ask for a new placement for her. She immediately began with the guilt trip of how well she was doing and this had been her best placement yet.  I don't blame her...it's hard to place a child in the right home.  Either way, it wasn't working and she legally had 2 weeks to find a new home.

Then, things turned.  I took her to her psychologist appointment in Kansas City and within a few hours she was being admitted for observation.  This isn't how I had hoped it would go, but she is finally getting the treatment she so desperately needs and I can only pray she is placed in a home that can devote the time and attention she so deserves. 

We have already gotten another call from Home Finding. To say this isn't emotionally exhausting would be a lie.  There are so many needs out there, so many children caught in the middle of poverty and abuse. 

For us, we're taking a step back. We need to regroup, rethink, refocus and heal ourselves.  I'm not sure what God has planned for our future or what we will decide from here, but for now we're putting our focus back on our kids that He has blessed us with.

Until then...

Disclaimer: A blue collar dad in a Foster world

                It’s 3 words on my phone screen. 2 nouns and a verb to be exact. 3 words that all of us use multiple times in our daily vocabulary. However, when arranged in a certain order, they form a phrase that’s familiar to a very small group of people. “Home Finding Center”. And when you see that phrase come up on your phone screen as an incoming call, there’s one reason, and one reason only that your phone is ringing. A child somewhere out there needs a place to land, a bed to rest in, 3 square meals a day, and someone to ensure that it happens. I’ve taken 2 of those calls now. Ashley took the first. And even after sitting in hours of training and driving many miles back and forth to and from said training, it still catches me off guard when they call to actually ask the question, “Do you have room for this child?” It catches me off guard because, like many of us, my days start early, at a high rate of speed, and it only increases from there. I spend my day juggling a phone, a steering wheel, some wrenches, a checkbook, and what I can only hope and pray are the right parts in order to keep my already unraveling schedule somewhat parallel to the plan. Guess what’s the farthest thing from my mind during all this? You guessed it – “Mr. and Mrs. Farrell, we have a child coming into care that needs a home.” Then that’s followed by a brief description of the child, sex, race, age. Which in fact are things that have become almost unnecessary information to me. My brain is actually hearing, “Mr. Farrell there’s a human out there that needs your families’ help and resources.” It’s not a baby girl, not a baby boy, not a black toddler, not a Latino teenager, not a Caucasian 9 yr old girl. It’s a human, just like me, just like you. If only our world would adopt a bit of that mindset.

                This is my first blog post and to be an honest, I couldn’t give you the specific definition of what a blog even is. From what I can tell it’s just a published journal entry so that’s what you’re getting here. I’m going to give a little back story on who I am and how I ended up here. If you would’ve talked to me back in high school or the following few years and told me that I’d be a foster parent, I would’ve told you not only that you’re crazy, but also that you’re just wrong. I never planned on being a parent to anyone. I didn’t dislike kids or have a deep seated reason for not wanting any. I was the oldest of 4 so I’d had plenty of kid time. And I was ready to head out into the world at a dead run and kids just didn’t enter into that equation. I loved my life but school was not my forte and the quicker I could put distance between me and that phase of life was for the better.

                Enter - Ashley Schubert. Ashley was my girlfriend through high school and we were crazy about each other. But we fought. Constantly. About anything. About everything. Lol. I think we both assumed we’d drift apart after high school, but getting into the world where I could get traction and be challenged calmed me down significantly. I began to choose my battles and we grew closer and closer and I proposed in July of ’04. We were young, so young. Lol. But one thing was very clear, if Ashley was in my life, kids would be in my life. I’d never seen anything like it, she was like a small human magnet. Kids flocked to her and she was excellent with them. And she loved them, all of them, no matter their color, code, or history. And anyone who’s ever seen her work with kids knows EXACTLY what I’m talking about. She’s a natural. And don’t think for a second that kids can’t tell this. They can. Ashley has always worked in child care in some form or another and although I didn’t know it was possible, she’s gotten even better with them. She’s been to class after class and tons of training sessions. And when you couple that with the real world, daily experience she has with kids, she can tell you why they act like that, what caused them to become like that, and the best plan to keep them on or steer them towards a healthy start at life whether it be socially, nutritionally, academically or otherwise. Her love for the smallest of us has truly rubbed off on me, and I couldn’t ask for a more kick-ass team mate to march down this journey with. Brian and Vickie – you raised a truly amazing person.

                We’ve just taken in our 2^nd placement. She’s a human and she needs what all young humans need. A stable environment, a schedule that includes a bedtime, someone to tell her to shower, daily. And possibly most of all, interaction with kids who have had all those things since they were born. I must admit, in high school and the years after, I became very negative and intolerant towards people in our society who I assumed were “using” the system. It angered me that some of us work so hard and others just choose not to. And government just seemed to not care either way. In fact, as a business owner it almost always seemed that they were encouraging me to give up and live off a welfare check. This, my friends, turned out to be a major flaw of mine. And I still fight to keep that “I pay my taxes, I work 60 hr weeks, I get up at dawn every day, I put food on the table” mindset from raring its head. Because there’s always more to a situation than meets the eye. I have no way of knowing what these people have been through. I have no way of knowing what their true mental state is. I have no way of knowing how their parents treated them as a child. And you know the best part? It’s not my job to figure any of that out, or drag myself down thinking about it. My job is to help people however I can, and if I’m unsure of whether a person actually needs my help or is using me, I will tell you that it’s always better to error on the side of grace. I’m not saying to ignore your gut or walk blindly into dangerous circumstances. But it will always be to your benefit to error on the side of grace. Thank you Pastor Brian Zahnd for making that simple statement.

                The little girl in our home now is doing awesome. I don’t have a whole lot to say yet because she’s only been here a day. But so far, she hasn’t done anything they told us she would. If anything, she’s only proven the fact that you’re a product of your environment. Not that we have the perfect environment, but she’s been polite, courteous, even helpful. When she arrived she told us she didn’t eat much, we soon found out this was false. Lol. She is an eating machine, she must be trying to out-do our daughter Natalie because she has done nothing but inhale food all day. Then my wife comes into my office tonight with glistening eyes telling me how the girl came to her and said how much she loves it here because she doesn’t have to steal food when no one is looking. She’d been being punished for eating more than her allotment. Here comes my anger back into my head, “what kind of piece of “blank” person punishes a growing kid for eating?!?” Hold up there Sean, maybe they only had enough for 3 meals, maybe that food was for another kid. Point is, again, I don’t know details. My job is to make sure she’s getting plenty of healthy food when she’s here and is not punished for eating without asking. (We’re not talking about candy here, the girl is asking us before almost every bite if she can have bread or pears). Last night Ash taught her how to properly shower and prepare for bed. This morning she helped me change a bike tire and followed that up by learning to ride the bike!! I promise you that teaching a 9 year old how to ride a bike would never even occur to me as our 4 yr old buzzes by and our 6 & 8 yr old fly by on their 4 wheeler. Onto the next challenge! Maybe tomorrow we’ll teach her to drive or mow grass! Point is, she’s interested in learning and is successful when challenged. And that is more uplifting than you can imagine.

                I knew when we took her it’d be much different than a baby. And it’d make a preemie baby with endless appointments look like a cake walk. But at the same time I’m excited. She’s 9 which means we can carry on a conversation, she’s able to go and do fun stuff that our family loves to do so much of. She’s a perfect playmate for our kids which are 4,6, and 8. I know there will be struggles and moments of pain. But this is what we signed up for. As long as she’s in our care she’ll be fed, bathed, clothed, and maybe even have her hair done! She was the happiest looking disaster of a 9 yr old girl I’d ever seen when she came to visit. Lol. She’s smart, caring, and beautiful and we will enjoy and learn in the time we have with her.

                I’ll finish by thanking each and every one of you who has expressed thanks or provided supplies or help to us. I feel awkward even writing this but I know people need encouragement and enjoy hearing the stories. Someday I’ll get Ash talked into writing that book we always say we should write. It’s a good life folks, enjoy what you’ve been afforded and help someone in need even if it seems like the simplest thing.

                                -Sean-

Let Me Hold You Longer

  There's a children's book written by one of my favorite authors, Karen Kingsbury. It is more for the mamma's out there, fighting time to hold still but days to fly by, more than for the children in their laps.  It begins like this:

Long ago you came to me,
A miracle of firsts:
First smiles and teeth and baby steps,
A sunbeam on the burst.
But one day you will move away
and leave to me your past,
And I will be left thinking of
a lifetime of your lasts...

 

Our time with baby girl was short. 46 days.  In that short time we saw her strengthen her muscles, grow in weight and height, become alert, aware of surroundings and responsive to noise and touch.  We watched her smile her first smile, follow our kids as they danced around her, respond to our voices and sleep on our chests.  She improved in her eating so much that she is able to eat with no assistance (holding her cheek or chin to latch)  and we don't use thickener at least twice a day.  This is huge for an infant born at 24 weeks and in the NICU for 4 months.  She has only been out for a little over 1 month now and, other than size, she is a normal, healthy, vibrant baby girl.

We have driven over 1,000 miles in 1 month for doctor visits, family visits, court dates and team meetings.  We have been flooded with love from friends and family along with diapers, clothes, blankets, bows and anything else we needed.  

This experience has been beautiful.  We have prepared our children well for her 'graduation' and though we are sad, we are proud to have been a part in her story. 

The other side of reality:

There is no pain like that of an empty car seat.  The social worker was scheduled to come to my house and transport her to family. However, she got sick and it was on me to get the job done. We could have delayed it another day, but how confusing and heart wrenching would that have been to my kids?  I gathered her clothes, bottles, formula, and all things baby girl that we wouldn't be keeping.  I wrote a letter to her parents in her communication notebook we have been using. I told them how precious she was and what a miracle from God they had been given. I thanked them for trusting us with her and told them we love her and will miss her deeply.  Then I put her in the car one last time, drove her to her new home and placed her in the arms of another woman who said to me, "I'm scared she'll miss you." 

I held it together as I taught her how to feed her, gave her a list of upcoming appointments and her daily schedule we had been using.  She rushed around frantic, telling me all they things they had gotten for baby girl. We talked about her daycare, her sleeping habits and her love to be sang to.  Then my baby boy (who was never suppose to witness this) gave her a kiss and said, "Let's take her home now, mamma."  

Tears flooded both my eyes and this woman's. She asked if it was too overwhelming, would I take her back? Oh yes, a hundred times yes.  We exchanged email and numbers and I promised to support her however I could.  And then I walked out with an empty car seat and a confused little boy.  

I fought back tears as I tried to explain to my 4 year old that she had a new home with her family. He didn't understand and he wanted her badly.  I switched the subject to ice cream and, thank God, he loves to eat ice cream.  

I napped with him today, holding him tighter and smelling his sweet hair. I thanked God over and over again that I had 3 kids at home to love on, because I'm not sure I could do this without that relief.  Then I picked up my daughters from school and held one with tears in her eyes. reminding her that God is watching over baby girl and protecting her, and we did our job.  

Despite all of that, I was given a huge blessing. I knew when her last with us would be and so I held on longer and loved her harder. I knew at 3 a.m. it would be my last feeding in the middle of the night and I sang to her "Jesus loves You".  I knew it was her last bath and I massaged her feet longer. I held her tighter and focused on her features more than ever before this morning.  What a blessing that is to have. 

No regrets.

Foster Care to Adoption: Our 1st Placement

    I've been meaning to write  this blog for nearly 3 weeks now.  I really should be cleaning the house or prepping meals right now, but I fear I won't get this done before our little girl is moved. Her future is more uncertain than our own. We took custody of a 3 month old baby on August 24th, 2015 and life has been busy every since! I've struggled with how to write this, to let others know the experience we have had with foster care and with the state.  I have great feelings and feelings of complete frustration and hopelessness.  I believe the best way to write this blog without becoming bitter or giving away too much information is to write it to our baby girl.  I want her and you to get the truth, but in a way that is not harmful.

"Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them." - Ephesians 4:29


Dear Sweet Baby Girl,

    You are loved.  
  
I want to tell you the beautiful and wonderful story of you, but before anything else, I want you to know you are deeply loved.  Your story is written and continues to be written by our glorious and loving Father in Heaven. God has a plan for you, sweet girl. He has plans and thoughts about you. Plans of peace and well-being. Plans, not of disaster, but of hope and a future.  

We received the call on a Friday morning. I was at work and did not listen to the message until that afternoon. They told me they were looking for a home for you.  They said you were born too soon and would most likely come home on oxygen, a feeding tube and an apnea machine.  My heart sunk for you, but I was certain you were already in loving arms with another family. I sent the message to your (foster) Dad and asked his opinion. He is very level headed and said we'd  need to find a daycare first. I was going to take you without thinking, but things needed to be in place.  It turns out we found a place with our first call.  Then I called back about you, and wouldn't you know it...God had a place for you in our home.  

We met you that Monday in the NICU. Like kids running down stairs on Christmas morning, we couldn't wait to meet you and wrap you in our arms.  We saw you there, lying in your hospital crib, attached to wires and machines.  My love for you grew that very instant and I couldn't let you go.  We spoke to nurses about how you were born and saw that God had strengthened you within those few days after our call.  You no longer needed those machines to survive. You were doing it all on your own! We couldn't take you home until Friday, just to make sure you were strong enough without the machines.  I came back that Tuesday morning and spent the day with you. I sang songs, told you about your new brother and sisters, aunts and uncles, Nanas and Papas. You smiled so big as we visited about the people who love you.  

Daddy came to visit the next night and then I spent the night with you that Thursday. I held you as long as I could, slept a few hours and fed you through the night.  I spoke with nurses and social workers and anyone I could gather to learn to all I could about you.  It turns out you had a rough start. You were born a twin, but your sister just wasn't healthy enough.  We pray for you in the loss you have already lived in such a short time. Your sister is with Jesus, in his arms, smiling and giggling as you will do some day here on Earth.  You were born so very tiny and required immediate medical attention.  You had an infection, several blood transfusions and were in isolation.  My, how far you have come sweet girl! God is good! 

Your birth Mom and Dad came to visit you on your last day in the hospital. They love you so much.  They were sad to leave you, sad they could  not bring you home, and worried about you going home with a stranger. My heart ached for them.  I prayed that God would give them peace and let them know you were safe and loved.  

We brought you home that Friday. Your siblings couldn't stand it any longer! They ADORE you!!  You had many visitors and I made sure they were as sanitized as possible before they held you! We had expected an older child, but family and friends came through like they always do and we were prepared for you in less than 24 hours. That first night was different for you.  It was a new bed, a new home and no machines. You didn't sleep well, but we held you close and sang to you.  

I wish I could give you details of the next few days, but adjusting to an infant is harder than it looks ;)  You sleep very well  now, only waking around 3 a.m. for a feeding.  You require special feeding instructions as your swallowing reflex is weak from the feeding tube.  You have a TON of people looking out for you. In one week alone we had 7 appointments for you. These were doctors, occupational therapists, home-health, social workers and a visit with your parents.  I'm exhausted as I'm sure you are too.  However, you are growing and getting stronger every day. It is all worth it, my sweet girl. You are worth it.

Your first visit with your birth Mom and Dad was a good one. I saw your Mom coming, she ran through the doors, eager to hold you once again. She looked at me with anger and misunderstanding. My heart hurt so bad for her. I can only imagine the pain she has felt, not holding you or knowing how you are for a whole week.  As two mothers with an unending love, I felt connected to her in that moment. It wasn't right that she couldn't be there for you, but it's out of her control and she had you back, if only for an hour.  

Sweet girl, I have no idea where your story will go from here. They are looking for family that can take you in safely and care for you correctly. This will give you the best chance of being with your birth parents.  Daddy and I pray and hope only for your safety and well-being, wherever that may be. Please know this: You always have a home here. Always.  Whatever happens, we love you unconditionally, and we are here for you.

Finally, I have to thank you.  You have given me an incredible gift, sweet girl.  Every day with you has an unsettling feeling of being our last.  We don't know when you will leave us or if you ever will. Because of that, I have the gift of a love deeper and stronger than I've ever known. I love you whole-heartily and without reservation. I make every moment count with you because my moments are not certain.  You have taught me to love my birth children just the same.  I have taken them for granted. I have taken the time I have with them for granted, and it is no more guaranteed with them than it is with you.  You have made me a better mother.  

Wherever you go, wherever you are, my love will follow you.

Always and Forever,

Mommy





 

Foster Care to Adoption: The Welcome Book

     Our home study write-up was finalized this week. It was reviewed 3 times between the case worker and director for changes and additions. I've emailed every day asking for the status on our case and letting them know we are 'excited to welcome a child/children into our home'. They haven't responded for a few days, now. Ha! I gave them a break today, but tomorrow I'll be on it again. I've been told numerous times to bug the heck out of them until you get a response, so I will. :)

     In the meantime, I created a welcome book about our family, what/where things are in our house and some tips that may help them understand how our family functions. So now, Ms. Caseworker, there is a book for that.

     We have been discussing this process with our children since we began, in a way that is best for them to understand. Our 4 year old thinks it is a big sleepover party where kids can play and stay. Our 6 year old is beginning to grasp that not all children have it as great as her, and in her caring nature, she is excited to help them.  She also believes all these children are hungry, because that is what she relates to so well. ;)  Our 8 year old is in a tricky spot. She is still a child, but more in tune to the truth that what I want to let on. She knows these children come from a rough home, but she has no schema for what that looks like. She also realizes they may not stay, and she cries for them already because they have to be away from their parents.  We pray every night with a purpose, asking God to make our family a good fit for the children rather than the children a good fit for us.  We pray for their families and ask for God's timing.

     In preparing our children, I wanted to do something to prepare children in foster care. Can you imagine being taken away from family and put in a stranger's house to live? You would have no idea who the people are, where things are, what you are expected to do/not do, etc. etc. etc.  Many of the initial problems facing placements is the child's uncertainty and lack of understanding.  They will get into so many things not knowing that it's 'off limits' or not safe. They literally have no idea what to do and so, they will do it all. I do not want their first day to be full of  "NO!", but rather love.  This book won't fix everything, but I hope it aids tremendously in the transition.

An introductory of who we are and that our job is to keep them safe. 

I described a little about each child and what they are interested in.

I also took a picture of each room in the house and explained what we do in that room and a rule or two about each place. (i.e. We eat dinner at the table and say a prayer before we eat.)

With the kitchen and laundry room, I explained that if they stay with us for awhile they will have responsibilities in the home, just like our children. I explained that everyone helped keep our home clean and going. (My next book will be a reminder to our children....) 

 Introducing bedrooms was a great time to introduce respect for privacy.

I explained what Sean and I do for a living and some of the things our family likes to do together. 

                                                                And finally, our house rules.

Foster Care to Adoption: Now we wait

Our final home study happened yesterday!  It was our walk-through and it was rushed. I spent the entire day running around town trying to gather last minute documents that I had 5 months to get. Procrastinator should be my middle name.

While in the doctor's office, waiting to get my physical form filled out, I was busy entertaining my kiddos (you bring ALL your kids to Dr. appts. too, right?) with legos and colors and doing my best to make sure Carter didn't break the blood pressure cuff.  WHY are so many expensive things at his level?!?! The nurse walks in and begins asking me the usual questions. Then she pauses alarmingly and looks back at me with a bewildered look. She looks again at the paper and then at my children.

"Are these all your kids?"

"Yes!"

"And you want to FOSTER?"

"Yes!"

With a roll of her eyes, "Wow.  You're crazy. Well, good luck to you, I guess."

"Thanks!"

For real. A health PROFESSIONAL.

Moving on...

I gathered all the documents I needed and was set to meet for the last time, only our caseworker was running late. By the time she arrived, I was rushing to get kids bathed and ready for the girls' cheer performance. I answered the door as I was pulling Carter out of the bath. Luckily this woman has 2 sons, so a naked 4 year old boy running around is normal to her.  We did a VERY quick walk through. Seriously, I have spent longer time showing neighbors than I did with her.  We signed more of our life away and went through 6 pages of what we would consider in a child placement and what we would not. There was a list of drugs we would consider with the child. I started checking them all until I realized these were drugs the kids were currently using. Ummm...no. I cannot have a child currently using in a house with children who think drugs are medicine and cigarettes.  There were also a few handicaps and mental issues I checked no on, because we are newbies and I am not prepared for things like that.  The guilt for saying no on these was pretty overwhelming, but it would be more harmful to everyone involved by taking a child on guilt rather than being prepared. 

As our caseworker gathered all the papers and thanked us for our time, she walked out saying,

"My boss will have your home study completed by Sunday night and hopefully you will have a placement within a week."

COME AGAIN??

My eyes felt larger than my head, and I'm sure the entire neighborhood could hear my jaw crashing to the floor.

"What was that?"

"Well, ya. I mean, it's completely possible.  Buchanan county is overflowing with placements right now, so hopefully you'll hear from us soon."

This felt eerily familiar to the time I went in for a check-up and discovered I was not only pregnant, but in my second trimester. Still, that gave me a few months to prepare my mind for a new baby. Not a week.

I'm not holding my breath. We have friends who have been licensed for months and haven't had a single call, but still. The possibility is there. 

So as I wrap my mind around a child entering our home very soon, I got to thinking about how I could prepare the people in our lives for this as well. Of course the caseworker joked, "There's a book for that, right?!"

But in all seriousness, I need those around us to understand a few things about fostering before we run into you. It will save us the trivial talks to these children about who they are and how they fit into our family, and it will save you from that awkward meeting where you put your foot in your mouth. I've done it, it's not fun.

So here is a list of some things NOT to say to us or around these children. I've borrowed a lot from other foster blogs because I'm not sure what will be said yet, but these seem to be pretty common occurrences for others.

Please take note and pray for us along this journey.  THANK YOU for your support!



I Could Never Do Foster Care/ You're a Saint

I don't think it's so much a question of not being able to do it as it is of having the desire to do it, and more specifically, the reasons WHY somebody would want to do it. I'm not a saint, I'm simply following God's call on my/our life.  Same as millions of others around the world. 




I used to think that I could never be able to do foster care, either. I'm much too tender-hearted and the thought of dealing with reunifications seemed too painful for me to bear . . . which leads me to the second most asked question:
  
Isn't it hard to have to say goodbye to a child after become attached?

Yes, it is hard. But despite the heartache of having to say goodbye YOU LIVE THROUGH IT!

In fact, when we were going through the initial training to become licensed our trainer said, "After your first placement leaves your home you may feel like your heart is being ripped out- but you need to remember that the pain you feel is just a measure of how much you have cared. If it doesn't hurt when they leave, then you haven't done your job"

I think that the bottom line of doing foster care is that you must be willing to put your desires and feelings on the back burner and turn your focus to the needs and feelings of a child.


What if you get a black kid?

I pray to God this is not a question I get asked, but...what if I get a WHITE kid? Or a latino child? A child is a child, a human a  human. If you ask me this, I'll most likely punch you in the face. Not kidding.  

I could never give them back.

You don't have a choice.  Understand that when the child leaves to go home, this is called reunification, and this is a hopeful sign that the family is healing. The parents are addressing the problems that led to the foster placement. Rejoice! Rejoice with tears of joy knowing that not only was a child cared for today, but a family was strengthened for tomorrow.

Our system is not perfect and many children go home, only to be thrown back into the system.  But if there is a chance the family can do better, they need that chance. Pray they can.

What happened to them? 

I'm not at liberty to say, so don't ask.  Obviously there was abuse or neglect somewhere in this child's life, or we wouldn't have them. Leave it at that.

Also, we cannot post pictures on social media.  Neither can you. If these children are at a birthday party, play date, carnival, etc and you have a picture of them, please do not post it. Crop them out, blur it, do whatever you need to do. It is for their protection and privacy. ESPECIALLY in a small community such as ours, word and posts get around.  Please don't disrupt the child's life any more by the harmless act of posting.

How much do you make?

Ugh. Yes, we get vouchers. I have no idea at this point how much they are. Let me tell you this: every cent we get from the state will go right back into clothes, food, activities, school, etc. for the child in care, and it won't be enough. It's nice that the state will help, but it's certainly not why we're doing this. 

 

I'm sure there will be more, and I can't wait to write about them ;)  Just know that when we have a new child with us, they are ours for the time being and we will love them and treat them as our own. We will refer to them as our child and introduce them as such. So when you see us with a new one, just say:

"Hello! What is your name? It's so nice to meet you!"   

 

 

Foster Care to Adoption: The Foster Room

When a mother prepares for her new child, one of the first things she begins to do is dream of their room.  Many mothers work continuously at this as they wait patiently. A few months before the child arrives, the room is perfectly finished and the mom begins spending time in the room, dreaming about what it will be like to have her child home, in her arms, in that room.

I, however, am not that mom.  Out of my three biological children, not a single one had a prepared nursery.  With my firstborn, we lived in a town home where you could not paint or hang things on the wall. I was also a newlywed and college student, so she had a crib and a dresser. That was pretty much it.  My sister actually went to my house as I was in the hospital with baby #2 and put her room together for me. We moved into our 'first' home a few weeks before she arrived and I had a toddler. Cut me some slack. We did the same crazy thing a month before our 3rd child was born, so naturally, he didn't have a room prepared either.

Perhaps the 4th time is a charm.  The foster care room is DONE!

Whoops. Looks like I'm missing a drawer knob. It's done EXCEPT for that ;)

                      We chose bunk beds because we want to have room for siblings if needed.

Our caseworker teases me because in nearly every question about how we will prepare our children or talk to our foster children about issues, I said "read books".  I started a collection specifically for these children in hopes that they will find understanding and love through the words of the stories and the arms that hold them while reading.

 We agreed to take a child between the ages of 0-9.  I struggled with what to put in the room in the way of toys, not knowing the age or gender.  However, most of these children are at a much lower level socially and mentally than their age, so I believe I was safe with a kitchen and train table.  In our house the rule is they share toys (with asking) and special/important toys can be put away or they can close their door to play alone.  I also have way too many toys in storage I can bring out when we discover what the child is interested in.  

Our walk-thru home study is tomorrow afternoon where we discover if our house is safe enough for children (ha!) and turn in final documents.  Lord willing, we'll be on the call list. 

Foster to Adoption: A dud

 We finished class 8 of 9 for foster care licensing and had our first of three home studies completed this week. I also got the bedroom painted. BIG WEEK!

Only it felt more like a dud.  Our last class was a summative of all we've learned/talked about and the final class will be a question and answer session. We will have a panel of foster care experts to hear from and quiz; including a judge, foster parent, attorney, adoption specialist and case worker.  However, right now I am more concerned over the 'tidbits' we didn't cover, but briefly touched on. Things I think are REALLY important to know and matter a great deal!

Things like:

 *You cannot cut the child's hair in any manner other than a trim in the same style-without their parents' permission. WHAT?! Lord help me if I get a little boy with a pony tail, or worse...a RAT tale.

*A child can require 2 to 3 visits a week with family. If I get a child from Jackson county, you're going to meet me half way, right?!

* The time frame a child has to be seen by a physician (within 24 hrs of entering care) and the time frame they have to see a dentist (30 days, I think)  These were BRIEFLY mentioned in class. WHO HAS THIS LIST AND HOW DO I GET MY HANDS ON IT?

These are things I NEED to know.  I have spent the last 2 months opening my heart and mind to reunification, now someone tell me what I can and cannot do to take care of the CHILD!!

Frustrating to say the least.  Something else that is frustrating...I cleaned my ENTIRE house and the case worker didn't even take a look around. I ran around frantic for 2 days, lost sleep, shoved things in the dryer that could have caused a fire and worked like a mad woman so she could step foot in my living room and dining room. I wanted to scream at her,

 "LOOK AT MY HOUSE! DO you SEE how clean it is! I have 3 kids, ma'am. Count them! 3 little destroyers who are sitting quietly on the couch, watching a G-rated movie, TOGETHER, with no fighting, whining or food around them. Do you not SEE the miracle in front of your own eyes?!?"

But instead, we talked for an hour and fifteen minutes about our families, how we were raised/disciplined/shown love and how we relate to each member in our family now.  We handed her our life on paper. Every last detail and dollar sign. We talked about our style of working things out and our alcohol consumption. ;) She finished by saying it was a good place to 'stop' and we only had about 8 more pages to go.  See you in two weeks. 

Wow. What a dud.  Next time my house will not be clean.

Foster Care to Adoption: Classes

     We have just wrapped up our 5th out of 9 classes to become a certified Foster Family.  They are 3 hours each, every Tuesday evening.  The support we've had from family is amazing, especially after hearing some stories from other couples in our classes. We've had a great rotation of babysitters who are eager to care for our children so we can take the necessary steps to adding to our family.  Our 6 year old is still confused as to why we actually have to take classes to parent. In her words, "Don't they know you already have 3 kids? You KNOW how to parent!"  I'm sure in 10 years or less, her perception on our parenting ability will change, but for now, she's pretty confident in us. 

The classes have been helpful, emotional, full of knowledge and at times, exhausting.  We've learned the developmental milestones of a child so we can pinpoint where they are at compared to where they need to be. (Imagine my 2 years of child development college classes wrapped up into 3 hours.) We've been taught how the system works and doesn't work and how to become the child's #1 advocate, along with what the state requires of us.  Did you know we are required to keep a "Life Book" for every child? A scrapbook, in essence, so they can have their life recorded and good memories in tact to look at as they grow. Enter guilty mom conscious here: my 3 year old has 1 page done in his BABY book!

The MAIN point in fostering that is beat into our heads over and over is this: Reunification with their birth family.  I already know what you are thinking.  How on Earth could you ever allow a child to go back into the home where they were abused? Some of these children were born addicted to drugs,  were neglected and/or abused physically/mentally/emotionally/sexually.  How could the system fail these children so much that you would allow them to ever be joined to a person or family who couldn't take care of them in the first place?  I often think these classes should be forced upon the families before birth of their child rather than those of us who are trying to correct their wrongs. 

If I have learned anything through these classes it is empathy. What they have done is wrong and inexcusable.  However, by the grace of God I had parents who stayed together and love each other so that I could see a good example of commitment, love and a healthy marriage. By the grace of God, I was fed, clothed and loved as a child. I know how to bathe my children, feed them, love them and provide for them because I was taught by example. By the grace of God, I grew up in a community of family and friends who support each other, help each other and pray for each other.  I know how to cook, clean, do laundry, find a job, ask for help, buy a car, continue my education, grocery shop, earn a paycheck and take care of myself because of the example given to me.

Think of your own life as it is right this minute.  Do you have a job? Money in the bank? Transportation? Food in your fridge? Family who supports you, even just one? Friends? Passion? Health?

Take it all away and tell me how you will care for yourself and your children. These parents do not want to lose their child. They honestly want the best. They don't know how to give it. Perhaps they grew up poor, hungry, dirty and abused. They will parent by example.  Perhaps they had a job, family, friends. But something happened and one by one they lost it all. They are hanging on by a thread with no resources to help. They don't know how to reach the resources. They numb their pain by their drug of choice. They can't take care of themselves and in turn, cannot care for their child.  The birth bond is incomparable by nature.  IF these parents can get help, IF they can turn their life around and IF these relationships can be mended, is that not the best option? They deserve a chance and the child deserves their family whole, IF possible, because they are human and we all make mistakes.

Unfortunately, the IF is hard and often not reached.  The government has finally put a cap on how much time the family has to turn it around.  They give them the help they need, the resources and the support, but these children cannot hang in limbo their entire life. They need an identity, a family and support to grow into healthy adults. 

This system is not perfect, just as our world is not.  The children in the system are not at fault and they need love. God has a plan for them. I get sick to my stomach every time I think about the details of why a child might come to us.  I cannot fathom the life they are living at this very moment, while we take classes and prepare a room for them.  I know the possible outcomes of this.  I also know the outcome for them if we don't do something.