While in the doctor's office, waiting to get my physical form filled out, I was busy entertaining my kiddos (you bring ALL your kids to Dr. appts. too, right?) with legos and colors and doing my best to make sure Carter didn't break the blood pressure cuff. WHY are so many expensive things at his level?!?! The nurse walks in and begins asking me the usual questions. Then she pauses alarmingly and looks back at me with a bewildered look. She looks again at the paper and then at my children.
"Are these all your kids?"
"Yes!"
"And you want to FOSTER?"
"Yes!"
With a roll of her eyes, "Wow. You're crazy. Well, good luck to you, I guess."
"Thanks!"
For real. A health PROFESSIONAL.
Moving on...
I gathered all the documents I needed and was set to meet for the last time, only our caseworker was running late. By the time she arrived, I was rushing to get kids bathed and ready for the girls' cheer performance. I answered the door as I was pulling Carter out of the bath. Luckily this woman has 2 sons, so a naked 4 year old boy running around is normal to her. We did a VERY quick walk through. Seriously, I have spent longer time showing neighbors than I did with her. We signed more of our life away and went through 6 pages of what we would consider in a child placement and what we would not. There was a list of drugs we would consider with the child. I started checking them all until I realized these were drugs the kids were currently using. Ummm...no. I cannot have a child currently using in a house with children who think drugs are medicine and cigarettes. There were also a few handicaps and mental issues I checked no on, because we are newbies and I am not prepared for things like that. The guilt for saying no on these was pretty overwhelming, but it would be more harmful to everyone involved by taking a child on guilt rather than being prepared.
As our caseworker gathered all the papers and thanked us for our time, she walked out saying,
"My boss will have your home study completed by Sunday night and hopefully you will have a placement within a week."
COME AGAIN??
My eyes felt larger than my head, and I'm sure the entire neighborhood could hear my jaw crashing to the floor.
"What was that?"
"Well, ya. I mean, it's completely possible. Buchanan county is overflowing with placements right now, so hopefully you'll hear from us soon."
This felt eerily familiar to the time I went in for a check-up and discovered I was not only pregnant, but in my second trimester. Still, that gave me a few months to prepare my mind for a new baby. Not a week.
I'm not holding my breath. We have friends who have been licensed for months and haven't had a single call, but still. The possibility is there.
So as I wrap my mind around a child entering our home very soon, I got to thinking about how I could prepare the people in our lives for this as well. Of course the caseworker joked, "There's a book for that, right?!"
But in all seriousness, I need those around us to understand a few things about fostering before we run into you. It will save us the trivial talks to these children about who they are and how they fit into our family, and it will save you from that awkward meeting where you put your foot in your mouth. I've done it, it's not fun.
So here is a list of some things NOT to say to us or around these children. I've borrowed a lot from other foster blogs because I'm not sure what will be said yet, but these seem to be pretty common occurrences for others.
Please take note and pray for us along this journey. THANK YOU for your support!
I Could Never Do Foster Care/ You're a Saint
I don't think it's so much a question of not being able to do it as it is of having the desire to do it, and more specifically, the reasons WHY somebody would want to do it. I'm not a saint, I'm simply following God's call on my/our life. Same as millions of others around the world.
I used to think that I could never be able to do foster care, either. I'm much too tender-hearted and the thought of dealing with reunifications seemed too painful for me to bear . . . which leads me to the second most asked question:
Isn't it hard to have to say goodbye to a child after become attached?
Yes, it is hard. But despite the heartache of having to say goodbye YOU LIVE THROUGH IT!
In fact, when we were going through the initial training to become licensed our trainer said, "After your first placement leaves your home you may feel like your heart is being ripped out- but you need to remember that the pain you feel is just a measure of how much you have cared. If it doesn't hurt when they leave, then you haven't done your job"
I think that the bottom line of doing foster care is that you must be willing to put your desires and feelings on the back burner and turn your focus to the needs and feelings of a child.
What if you get a black kid?
I pray to God this is not a question I get asked, but...what if I get a WHITE kid? Or a latino child? A child is a child, a human a human. If you ask me this, I'll most likely punch you in the face. Not kidding.
I could never give them back.
You don't have a choice. Understand that when the child leaves to go home, this is called reunification, and this is a hopeful sign that the family is healing. The parents are addressing the problems that led to the foster placement. Rejoice! Rejoice with tears of joy knowing that not only was a child cared for today, but a family was strengthened for tomorrow.
Our system is not perfect and many children go home, only to be thrown back into the system. But if there is a chance the family can do better, they need that chance. Pray they can.
What happened to them?
I'm not at liberty to say, so don't ask. Obviously there was abuse or neglect somewhere in this child's life, or we wouldn't have them. Leave it at that.
Also, we cannot post pictures on social media. Neither can you. If these children are at a birthday party, play date, carnival, etc and you have a picture of them, please do not post it. Crop them out, blur it, do whatever you need to do. It is for their protection and privacy. ESPECIALLY in a small community such as ours, word and posts get around. Please don't disrupt the child's life any more by the harmless act of posting.
How much do you make?
Ugh. Yes, we get vouchers. I have no idea at this point how much they are. Let me tell you this: every cent we get from the state will go right back into clothes, food, activities, school, etc. for the child in care, and it won't be enough. It's nice that the state will help, but it's certainly not why we're doing this.
I'm sure there will be more, and I can't wait to write about them ;) Just know that when we have a new child with us, they are ours for the time being and we will love them and treat them as our own. We will refer to them as our child and introduce them as such. So when you see us with a new one, just say:
"Hello! What is your name? It's so nice to meet you!"
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