An Apology to My Firstborn

     I'm sorry. If you don't hear me say that often enough, I'm sorry for that, too. I've screwed up more times than I can remember (but less often than you can remember ;) ) You deserve better and I'll try harder.  It was so easy when you were an infant.  You slept all night, ate well, were easy-going and the center of our world.  We rarely had to discipline you as you got bigger.  IF you made a sad choice, you were quick to correct yourself.  You often put yourself in time-out or immediately said you were sorry, and meant it. We love you just as much, if not more, than we did that very day you entered our world. However, your mommy has messed up.

    Your sister came into the world less than 2 years after you.  We love her very much, too. I struggled with a lot of guilt after her.  I felt like I had robbed you of precious time. You were still a baby yourself.  Your sister required attention (as all newborns do) and I lost a lot of sleep.  So much so that I vaguely remember the first few months after her birth.  But I do remember kneeling beside your bed in the middle of the night as you slept. I cried a lot of tears, begging God to make me a better Mommy.  I'm sorry.

As you got older, I rubbed some of my crazy cleaning tendencies off on you. Your toys had to be in order and your room spotless before I would lay you down.  I now see you making sure things are just as they should be before you'll move on or walk away.  I'm sorry.  Try to let go and remember it doesn't have to be perfect. 

You are a very smart girl and quick thinker.  You can outsmart almost anyone by talking them in circles until they forget their original thoughts.  I'm sorry for all those times I got tired and let you have your way.  The best job I can do is be consistent with you. 

Now you're in Kindergarten and are learning to read.  You can tie your shoes, get your own snacks and drinks, and bathe yourself.  You're 5.  I'm sorry for forgetting that and sometimes treating you like you are much older.  You are very responsible, beautiful and intelligent. And you're 5.  I must remember this when you still want to cuddle at night, or ask for help with your shoes, or cry because you're being rushed. You're 5...I'm sorry. 

There will be many more apologies to come, I know.  I'm sorry for that, too.  But out of all of this I pray that I never fail to let you know and see how much I love you and how special you are to me.  I pray that God's grace will cover all of the potential damage I could cause, and that one day you will understand how hard I try and how much I want to be perfect for you, as you become a mother yourself.

I love you to the moon and back, Kaylea Abigail.

Love,

Your Mommy