Foster Care to Adoption: The Welcome Book

     Our home study write-up was finalized this week. It was reviewed 3 times between the case worker and director for changes and additions. I've emailed every day asking for the status on our case and letting them know we are 'excited to welcome a child/children into our home'. They haven't responded for a few days, now. Ha! I gave them a break today, but tomorrow I'll be on it again. I've been told numerous times to bug the heck out of them until you get a response, so I will. :)

     In the meantime, I created a welcome book about our family, what/where things are in our house and some tips that may help them understand how our family functions. So now, Ms. Caseworker, there is a book for that.

     We have been discussing this process with our children since we began, in a way that is best for them to understand. Our 4 year old thinks it is a big sleepover party where kids can play and stay. Our 6 year old is beginning to grasp that not all children have it as great as her, and in her caring nature, she is excited to help them.  She also believes all these children are hungry, because that is what she relates to so well. ;)  Our 8 year old is in a tricky spot. She is still a child, but more in tune to the truth that what I want to let on. She knows these children come from a rough home, but she has no schema for what that looks like. She also realizes they may not stay, and she cries for them already because they have to be away from their parents.  We pray every night with a purpose, asking God to make our family a good fit for the children rather than the children a good fit for us.  We pray for their families and ask for God's timing.

     In preparing our children, I wanted to do something to prepare children in foster care. Can you imagine being taken away from family and put in a stranger's house to live? You would have no idea who the people are, where things are, what you are expected to do/not do, etc. etc. etc.  Many of the initial problems facing placements is the child's uncertainty and lack of understanding.  They will get into so many things not knowing that it's 'off limits' or not safe. They literally have no idea what to do and so, they will do it all. I do not want their first day to be full of  "NO!", but rather love.  This book won't fix everything, but I hope it aids tremendously in the transition.

An introductory of who we are and that our job is to keep them safe. 

I described a little about each child and what they are interested in.

I also took a picture of each room in the house and explained what we do in that room and a rule or two about each place. (i.e. We eat dinner at the table and say a prayer before we eat.)

With the kitchen and laundry room, I explained that if they stay with us for awhile they will have responsibilities in the home, just like our children. I explained that everyone helped keep our home clean and going. (My next book will be a reminder to our children....) 

 Introducing bedrooms was a great time to introduce respect for privacy.

I explained what Sean and I do for a living and some of the things our family likes to do together. 

                                                                And finally, our house rules.

Foster Care to Adoption: Now we wait

Our final home study happened yesterday!  It was our walk-through and it was rushed. I spent the entire day running around town trying to gather last minute documents that I had 5 months to get. Procrastinator should be my middle name.

While in the doctor's office, waiting to get my physical form filled out, I was busy entertaining my kiddos (you bring ALL your kids to Dr. appts. too, right?) with legos and colors and doing my best to make sure Carter didn't break the blood pressure cuff.  WHY are so many expensive things at his level?!?! The nurse walks in and begins asking me the usual questions. Then she pauses alarmingly and looks back at me with a bewildered look. She looks again at the paper and then at my children.

"Are these all your kids?"

"Yes!"

"And you want to FOSTER?"

"Yes!"

With a roll of her eyes, "Wow.  You're crazy. Well, good luck to you, I guess."

"Thanks!"

For real. A health PROFESSIONAL.

Moving on...

I gathered all the documents I needed and was set to meet for the last time, only our caseworker was running late. By the time she arrived, I was rushing to get kids bathed and ready for the girls' cheer performance. I answered the door as I was pulling Carter out of the bath. Luckily this woman has 2 sons, so a naked 4 year old boy running around is normal to her.  We did a VERY quick walk through. Seriously, I have spent longer time showing neighbors than I did with her.  We signed more of our life away and went through 6 pages of what we would consider in a child placement and what we would not. There was a list of drugs we would consider with the child. I started checking them all until I realized these were drugs the kids were currently using. Ummm...no. I cannot have a child currently using in a house with children who think drugs are medicine and cigarettes.  There were also a few handicaps and mental issues I checked no on, because we are newbies and I am not prepared for things like that.  The guilt for saying no on these was pretty overwhelming, but it would be more harmful to everyone involved by taking a child on guilt rather than being prepared. 

As our caseworker gathered all the papers and thanked us for our time, she walked out saying,

"My boss will have your home study completed by Sunday night and hopefully you will have a placement within a week."

COME AGAIN??

My eyes felt larger than my head, and I'm sure the entire neighborhood could hear my jaw crashing to the floor.

"What was that?"

"Well, ya. I mean, it's completely possible.  Buchanan county is overflowing with placements right now, so hopefully you'll hear from us soon."

This felt eerily familiar to the time I went in for a check-up and discovered I was not only pregnant, but in my second trimester. Still, that gave me a few months to prepare my mind for a new baby. Not a week.

I'm not holding my breath. We have friends who have been licensed for months and haven't had a single call, but still. The possibility is there. 

So as I wrap my mind around a child entering our home very soon, I got to thinking about how I could prepare the people in our lives for this as well. Of course the caseworker joked, "There's a book for that, right?!"

But in all seriousness, I need those around us to understand a few things about fostering before we run into you. It will save us the trivial talks to these children about who they are and how they fit into our family, and it will save you from that awkward meeting where you put your foot in your mouth. I've done it, it's not fun.

So here is a list of some things NOT to say to us or around these children. I've borrowed a lot from other foster blogs because I'm not sure what will be said yet, but these seem to be pretty common occurrences for others.

Please take note and pray for us along this journey.  THANK YOU for your support!



I Could Never Do Foster Care/ You're a Saint

I don't think it's so much a question of not being able to do it as it is of having the desire to do it, and more specifically, the reasons WHY somebody would want to do it. I'm not a saint, I'm simply following God's call on my/our life.  Same as millions of others around the world. 




I used to think that I could never be able to do foster care, either. I'm much too tender-hearted and the thought of dealing with reunifications seemed too painful for me to bear . . . which leads me to the second most asked question:
  
Isn't it hard to have to say goodbye to a child after become attached?

Yes, it is hard. But despite the heartache of having to say goodbye YOU LIVE THROUGH IT!

In fact, when we were going through the initial training to become licensed our trainer said, "After your first placement leaves your home you may feel like your heart is being ripped out- but you need to remember that the pain you feel is just a measure of how much you have cared. If it doesn't hurt when they leave, then you haven't done your job"

I think that the bottom line of doing foster care is that you must be willing to put your desires and feelings on the back burner and turn your focus to the needs and feelings of a child.


What if you get a black kid?

I pray to God this is not a question I get asked, but...what if I get a WHITE kid? Or a latino child? A child is a child, a human a  human. If you ask me this, I'll most likely punch you in the face. Not kidding.  

I could never give them back.

You don't have a choice.  Understand that when the child leaves to go home, this is called reunification, and this is a hopeful sign that the family is healing. The parents are addressing the problems that led to the foster placement. Rejoice! Rejoice with tears of joy knowing that not only was a child cared for today, but a family was strengthened for tomorrow.

Our system is not perfect and many children go home, only to be thrown back into the system.  But if there is a chance the family can do better, they need that chance. Pray they can.

What happened to them? 

I'm not at liberty to say, so don't ask.  Obviously there was abuse or neglect somewhere in this child's life, or we wouldn't have them. Leave it at that.

Also, we cannot post pictures on social media.  Neither can you. If these children are at a birthday party, play date, carnival, etc and you have a picture of them, please do not post it. Crop them out, blur it, do whatever you need to do. It is for their protection and privacy. ESPECIALLY in a small community such as ours, word and posts get around.  Please don't disrupt the child's life any more by the harmless act of posting.

How much do you make?

Ugh. Yes, we get vouchers. I have no idea at this point how much they are. Let me tell you this: every cent we get from the state will go right back into clothes, food, activities, school, etc. for the child in care, and it won't be enough. It's nice that the state will help, but it's certainly not why we're doing this. 

 

I'm sure there will be more, and I can't wait to write about them ;)  Just know that when we have a new child with us, they are ours for the time being and we will love them and treat them as our own. We will refer to them as our child and introduce them as such. So when you see us with a new one, just say:

"Hello! What is your name? It's so nice to meet you!"   

 

 

Foster Care to Adoption: The Foster Room

When a mother prepares for her new child, one of the first things she begins to do is dream of their room.  Many mothers work continuously at this as they wait patiently. A few months before the child arrives, the room is perfectly finished and the mom begins spending time in the room, dreaming about what it will be like to have her child home, in her arms, in that room.

I, however, am not that mom.  Out of my three biological children, not a single one had a prepared nursery.  With my firstborn, we lived in a town home where you could not paint or hang things on the wall. I was also a newlywed and college student, so she had a crib and a dresser. That was pretty much it.  My sister actually went to my house as I was in the hospital with baby #2 and put her room together for me. We moved into our 'first' home a few weeks before she arrived and I had a toddler. Cut me some slack. We did the same crazy thing a month before our 3rd child was born, so naturally, he didn't have a room prepared either.

Perhaps the 4th time is a charm.  The foster care room is DONE!

Whoops. Looks like I'm missing a drawer knob. It's done EXCEPT for that ;)

                      We chose bunk beds because we want to have room for siblings if needed.

Our caseworker teases me because in nearly every question about how we will prepare our children or talk to our foster children about issues, I said "read books".  I started a collection specifically for these children in hopes that they will find understanding and love through the words of the stories and the arms that hold them while reading.

 We agreed to take a child between the ages of 0-9.  I struggled with what to put in the room in the way of toys, not knowing the age or gender.  However, most of these children are at a much lower level socially and mentally than their age, so I believe I was safe with a kitchen and train table.  In our house the rule is they share toys (with asking) and special/important toys can be put away or they can close their door to play alone.  I also have way too many toys in storage I can bring out when we discover what the child is interested in.  

Our walk-thru home study is tomorrow afternoon where we discover if our house is safe enough for children (ha!) and turn in final documents.  Lord willing, we'll be on the call list. 

Foster to Adoption: A dud

 We finished class 8 of 9 for foster care licensing and had our first of three home studies completed this week. I also got the bedroom painted. BIG WEEK!

Only it felt more like a dud.  Our last class was a summative of all we've learned/talked about and the final class will be a question and answer session. We will have a panel of foster care experts to hear from and quiz; including a judge, foster parent, attorney, adoption specialist and case worker.  However, right now I am more concerned over the 'tidbits' we didn't cover, but briefly touched on. Things I think are REALLY important to know and matter a great deal!

Things like:

 *You cannot cut the child's hair in any manner other than a trim in the same style-without their parents' permission. WHAT?! Lord help me if I get a little boy with a pony tail, or worse...a RAT tale.

*A child can require 2 to 3 visits a week with family. If I get a child from Jackson county, you're going to meet me half way, right?!

* The time frame a child has to be seen by a physician (within 24 hrs of entering care) and the time frame they have to see a dentist (30 days, I think)  These were BRIEFLY mentioned in class. WHO HAS THIS LIST AND HOW DO I GET MY HANDS ON IT?

These are things I NEED to know.  I have spent the last 2 months opening my heart and mind to reunification, now someone tell me what I can and cannot do to take care of the CHILD!!

Frustrating to say the least.  Something else that is frustrating...I cleaned my ENTIRE house and the case worker didn't even take a look around. I ran around frantic for 2 days, lost sleep, shoved things in the dryer that could have caused a fire and worked like a mad woman so she could step foot in my living room and dining room. I wanted to scream at her,

 "LOOK AT MY HOUSE! DO you SEE how clean it is! I have 3 kids, ma'am. Count them! 3 little destroyers who are sitting quietly on the couch, watching a G-rated movie, TOGETHER, with no fighting, whining or food around them. Do you not SEE the miracle in front of your own eyes?!?"

But instead, we talked for an hour and fifteen minutes about our families, how we were raised/disciplined/shown love and how we relate to each member in our family now.  We handed her our life on paper. Every last detail and dollar sign. We talked about our style of working things out and our alcohol consumption. ;) She finished by saying it was a good place to 'stop' and we only had about 8 more pages to go.  See you in two weeks. 

Wow. What a dud.  Next time my house will not be clean.

Foster Care to Adoption: Classes

     We have just wrapped up our 5th out of 9 classes to become a certified Foster Family.  They are 3 hours each, every Tuesday evening.  The support we've had from family is amazing, especially after hearing some stories from other couples in our classes. We've had a great rotation of babysitters who are eager to care for our children so we can take the necessary steps to adding to our family.  Our 6 year old is still confused as to why we actually have to take classes to parent. In her words, "Don't they know you already have 3 kids? You KNOW how to parent!"  I'm sure in 10 years or less, her perception on our parenting ability will change, but for now, she's pretty confident in us. 

The classes have been helpful, emotional, full of knowledge and at times, exhausting.  We've learned the developmental milestones of a child so we can pinpoint where they are at compared to where they need to be. (Imagine my 2 years of child development college classes wrapped up into 3 hours.) We've been taught how the system works and doesn't work and how to become the child's #1 advocate, along with what the state requires of us.  Did you know we are required to keep a "Life Book" for every child? A scrapbook, in essence, so they can have their life recorded and good memories in tact to look at as they grow. Enter guilty mom conscious here: my 3 year old has 1 page done in his BABY book!

The MAIN point in fostering that is beat into our heads over and over is this: Reunification with their birth family.  I already know what you are thinking.  How on Earth could you ever allow a child to go back into the home where they were abused? Some of these children were born addicted to drugs,  were neglected and/or abused physically/mentally/emotionally/sexually.  How could the system fail these children so much that you would allow them to ever be joined to a person or family who couldn't take care of them in the first place?  I often think these classes should be forced upon the families before birth of their child rather than those of us who are trying to correct their wrongs. 

If I have learned anything through these classes it is empathy. What they have done is wrong and inexcusable.  However, by the grace of God I had parents who stayed together and love each other so that I could see a good example of commitment, love and a healthy marriage. By the grace of God, I was fed, clothed and loved as a child. I know how to bathe my children, feed them, love them and provide for them because I was taught by example. By the grace of God, I grew up in a community of family and friends who support each other, help each other and pray for each other.  I know how to cook, clean, do laundry, find a job, ask for help, buy a car, continue my education, grocery shop, earn a paycheck and take care of myself because of the example given to me.

Think of your own life as it is right this minute.  Do you have a job? Money in the bank? Transportation? Food in your fridge? Family who supports you, even just one? Friends? Passion? Health?

Take it all away and tell me how you will care for yourself and your children. These parents do not want to lose their child. They honestly want the best. They don't know how to give it. Perhaps they grew up poor, hungry, dirty and abused. They will parent by example.  Perhaps they had a job, family, friends. But something happened and one by one they lost it all. They are hanging on by a thread with no resources to help. They don't know how to reach the resources. They numb their pain by their drug of choice. They can't take care of themselves and in turn, cannot care for their child.  The birth bond is incomparable by nature.  IF these parents can get help, IF they can turn their life around and IF these relationships can be mended, is that not the best option? They deserve a chance and the child deserves their family whole, IF possible, because they are human and we all make mistakes.

Unfortunately, the IF is hard and often not reached.  The government has finally put a cap on how much time the family has to turn it around.  They give them the help they need, the resources and the support, but these children cannot hang in limbo their entire life. They need an identity, a family and support to grow into healthy adults. 

This system is not perfect, just as our world is not.  The children in the system are not at fault and they need love. God has a plan for them. I get sick to my stomach every time I think about the details of why a child might come to us.  I cannot fathom the life they are living at this very moment, while we take classes and prepare a room for them.  I know the possible outcomes of this.  I also know the outcome for them if we don't do something. 

Foster Care to Adoption: The Home Study

We had our initial home study last week. I'm assuming it was not our "major" study, or there was a lot more hype to it than what actually happened.  I've been hearing the home study can make or break you, and so my nesting went into hyper gear as I tried to fix all the wrong things in our home. I had to laugh because I'm actually trying to make my home safer for a child I've never met, rather than for the 3 I already have! But then again, the 3 children at home are the reason I have to fix things....

We set up our classes to start (first one was this Tuesday) rather quickly, so that meant the home study had to be done immediately.  This was probably for the best, leaving me no time to stress too much or redecorate the entire house.  I actually enforced the chore rule for 2 whole days leading up to our study, and when it became evident I wasn't going to get it all done, I decided it was going to have to be 'realistic' instead.  Sean came home to me mopping the floors and said, "I thought we were keeping this real?"  Funny guy. 

The case worker came to our home, super friendly and not wasting time.  She is actually higher up in the chain, so she will not be our locked-in case worker. I fretted because it was lunch time and Carter was home. To keep him entertained and fed, I gave him lunch on the couch with a movie.  Keeping it real...

She handed us a stack of paperwork, flying through what we could fill out with her and handing us the rest. She asked the obvious questions: why do you want to foster? How many children do you have/will you take? What's your support system like? Where do you work? Do you have fire arms in the home/how are they stored? How many DWI's do you have?

When we answered 0 to that last question, she stopped and said, 'Really? None?!" She has a running total of her last 10 visits, all but one of them having a past of DWI's. 

They don't care about tickets, but do care about criminal history. They don't care how you feed your child, your religion, your routine or the stack of laundry you forgot to put away.  They care about finding a home for a hurting child, one that will bring them stability, love and hope.  I can't keep a home clean with 3 little children, but I can provide that. 

We gave her a tour of our home, very quick and simple. She asked less questions than our neighbors and was on her way. Saying "Congratulations! You'll make a great home!"

A sigh of relief swept over me, the same relief I felt after hearing the heart beat of each of our babies growing inside of me.  There will be more home studies, more paperwork, more unknown, but for now, everything is 'good to go'. 

Eek!

Foster Care to Adoption: The beginning

Time to dust off the old blog once again and post some memories I hope not to forget.  Our family is in the beginning stages of something completely terrifying yet so amazing, we can't contain our excitement!

We are going to foster to adopt. 

Seven words that are forever going to change the path of numerous lives. In one act we are changing the lives of:

Us
Our Children
Our future child/children
Nanas and Papas
Aunts and Uncles
Friends
Strangers

We do not take this lightly and have put considerable thought/prayer into this decision. Can I be honest?

I'm scared out of my mind.

Questions run through my mind, all of which I do not have the answer to.  What are we doing?  Bringing a child into our home who has had a lifetime of possible pain, neglect, disappointment, etc.  Things our biological children know nothing of.   How will they fit in to our home, our lifestyle, our faith, our lives? How will our children feel about another sibling, and one not coming in the way they came?  Am I a good enough mother for this kind of challenge? Will they be taken away from us?

However, it's the other thoughts and emotions that cover all those previous questions with a simple answer. Yes. Whatever it takes, yes.  Because aren't we all hurt, disappointed, lost and confused in some way? But God has adopted us into his forever family, given us hope, love, joy and life. 

I am most certain my heart will be ripped apart at some point during this process, if not many times. But I am not afraid to grieve. I am afraid of what will happen to these children if no one takes the risk to love them. 

"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."  John 14:18