I waited a month to write this because I wanted my thoughts
to be clear. I also waited a month because I never make decisions based solely
on “in the moment” emotions and I do my best to not say things I don’t really
mean based on “in the moment” emotions. One thing I strive for, especially when
it comes to family, is to make sound decisions. Even if the outcome doesn’t go
as planned, I can rest easy knowing we did our best and made the best decision
we knew how to make. I do this by thinking things through, sometimes over weeks
or months depending on the gravity of the decision. I consider the decision
during different parts of my day – when I’m motivated, when I’m conscious of
others, when I’m tired, when I’m EXHAUSTED, when I’m frustrated, when I’m
happy, when I’m thankful. We discuss it with our kids if it pertains to them
and we feel that we need their input. Most importantly, I talk with my wife
about it. WE make the decisions and WE cuss and discuss our way through it. And
we don’t make these decisions until we agree and are in tune with each other
about it. Too often married people forget that they are a team, and no I don’t
mean “look at how cute a team we make sugar babe” or “we’re a power couple” or
“team Farrell”. The team I’m talking about is the team that gets out of bed
every morning, and starts doing what needs to be done, because we both know
what has to get done, and we both know if we don’t do it, no one else will.
Never in my life have I been more confident in our marriage, our ability to
navigate the daily challenges of life, and the person God has put in my life to
spend my life with. We are absolutely far from perfect, we still disagree on a
daily basis, things still irritate each of us. And we probably aren’t the best
example to follow. Lol. But we are in a very good place with each other. Finally,
never before have I been so thankful for the amazing children we have.
Obviously I’ve always loved and been thankful for them, but my love and
appreciation for them in all areas has grown deeply.
I had
to say that to lay the foundation for this: we have made some extremely
difficult decisions and dealt with less than ideal situations, and characters,
to build the confidence and relationship mentioned above. Our most recent, and
possibly most difficult to date, was our decision to stop fostering children.
Our foster journey was a short, but eye-opening one. Naively we both believed
the theory “most of these kids just need a stable environment, a schedule, and
love”. That, my friends, is total and complete bullshit. A lot of the kids in
“the system” are in need of far more help than a stable home can provide. For
one, they’re in need of doctors that don’t over-prescribe, over-diagnose, and
under estimate. They’re in need of case workers who actually take at least 10
seconds to consider where this certain child would fit best and where they
would not fit well at all. They’re in need of a judicial system that stops
giving multi-repeat offenders chance after chance after chance. They’re in need
of a DNA transfusion (wait, did Sean just seriously say they’re in need of a
DNA transfusion?) yup – I did say that. This part is most definitely going to
offend someone, but an overwhelming amount of kids WHO ARE ADOPTED AS BABIES
AND NEVER EVEN MEET THEIR BIOLOGICAL PARENTS go on to live a life exactly like
the one they were taken out of and just continue the cycle. Don’t confuse my
point, I also have heard success stories and it makes them that much sweeter. I
know that sounds extremely cold and harsh, but it’s the simple truth.
So now
I know you’re thinking “Well Sean, I don’t think quitting is helping these
children at all.” And you would be correct. But we decided that cycling child
after child through our home was having a negative effect on almost every part
of our life, and most importantly, OUR children’s lives. To be honest we had
kids come into our home that absolutely, positively, without question, should
not have been placed in a home with ANY other children present. I stated in an
earlier post that it wasn’t my responsibility to judge or accuse, and I stand
by that point, but I refuse to ignore the judgement I was given to protect my
family. Simple as that. There are people that are awesome at fostering, and I
wish there were more. Because the people that can look past the incredibly
inept and under-qualified system that has custody of these kids, and just focus
on the kids, are TRULY a special sort. They deal with issues daily that I
wouldn’t wish on an enemy. Some of those people are reading this and WE thank
you for what you do. Your patience and undying positivity is incredible.
So,
what now? Well, now we raise our 3 awesome, mouthy, whiney, but so lovable
children. Now we take off for an out-of-state vacation without having to get it
approved by 3 different committees. Now we donate money and time to the people
who are called to foster. Now we donate money and time to educational
organizations focused on job skills and future planning with the hopes that the
people who come out of good education become successful and do the same with
their time and money!! Now we focus on running an awesome preschool program for
the little lives of tomorrow. Now we focus on building a business that has
proved itself and will hopefully someday provide several excellent jobs to
deserving people.
Lastly,
I’m not one to say “never” because that has a way of guaranteeing the “never”
to become reality. As of now we have no plans to foster but every situation is
unique. We truly thank those who have been supportive to our family and our
families themselves. It is MUCH appreciated.
Thanks again,
Sean and Ashley
