Let Me Hold You Longer

  There's a children's book written by one of my favorite authors, Karen Kingsbury. It is more for the mamma's out there, fighting time to hold still but days to fly by, more than for the children in their laps.  It begins like this:

Long ago you came to me,
A miracle of firsts:
First smiles and teeth and baby steps,
A sunbeam on the burst.
But one day you will move away
and leave to me your past,
And I will be left thinking of
a lifetime of your lasts...

 

Our time with baby girl was short. 46 days.  In that short time we saw her strengthen her muscles, grow in weight and height, become alert, aware of surroundings and responsive to noise and touch.  We watched her smile her first smile, follow our kids as they danced around her, respond to our voices and sleep on our chests.  She improved in her eating so much that she is able to eat with no assistance (holding her cheek or chin to latch)  and we don't use thickener at least twice a day.  This is huge for an infant born at 24 weeks and in the NICU for 4 months.  She has only been out for a little over 1 month now and, other than size, she is a normal, healthy, vibrant baby girl.

We have driven over 1,000 miles in 1 month for doctor visits, family visits, court dates and team meetings.  We have been flooded with love from friends and family along with diapers, clothes, blankets, bows and anything else we needed.  

This experience has been beautiful.  We have prepared our children well for her 'graduation' and though we are sad, we are proud to have been a part in her story. 

The other side of reality:

There is no pain like that of an empty car seat.  The social worker was scheduled to come to my house and transport her to family. However, she got sick and it was on me to get the job done. We could have delayed it another day, but how confusing and heart wrenching would that have been to my kids?  I gathered her clothes, bottles, formula, and all things baby girl that we wouldn't be keeping.  I wrote a letter to her parents in her communication notebook we have been using. I told them how precious she was and what a miracle from God they had been given. I thanked them for trusting us with her and told them we love her and will miss her deeply.  Then I put her in the car one last time, drove her to her new home and placed her in the arms of another woman who said to me, "I'm scared she'll miss you." 

I held it together as I taught her how to feed her, gave her a list of upcoming appointments and her daily schedule we had been using.  She rushed around frantic, telling me all they things they had gotten for baby girl. We talked about her daycare, her sleeping habits and her love to be sang to.  Then my baby boy (who was never suppose to witness this) gave her a kiss and said, "Let's take her home now, mamma."  

Tears flooded both my eyes and this woman's. She asked if it was too overwhelming, would I take her back? Oh yes, a hundred times yes.  We exchanged email and numbers and I promised to support her however I could.  And then I walked out with an empty car seat and a confused little boy.  

I fought back tears as I tried to explain to my 4 year old that she had a new home with her family. He didn't understand and he wanted her badly.  I switched the subject to ice cream and, thank God, he loves to eat ice cream.  

I napped with him today, holding him tighter and smelling his sweet hair. I thanked God over and over again that I had 3 kids at home to love on, because I'm not sure I could do this without that relief.  Then I picked up my daughters from school and held one with tears in her eyes. reminding her that God is watching over baby girl and protecting her, and we did our job.  

Despite all of that, I was given a huge blessing. I knew when her last with us would be and so I held on longer and loved her harder. I knew at 3 a.m. it would be my last feeding in the middle of the night and I sang to her "Jesus loves You".  I knew it was her last bath and I massaged her feet longer. I held her tighter and focused on her features more than ever before this morning.  What a blessing that is to have. 

No regrets.

Foster Care to Adoption: Our 1st Placement

    I've been meaning to write  this blog for nearly 3 weeks now.  I really should be cleaning the house or prepping meals right now, but I fear I won't get this done before our little girl is moved. Her future is more uncertain than our own. We took custody of a 3 month old baby on August 24th, 2015 and life has been busy every since! I've struggled with how to write this, to let others know the experience we have had with foster care and with the state.  I have great feelings and feelings of complete frustration and hopelessness.  I believe the best way to write this blog without becoming bitter or giving away too much information is to write it to our baby girl.  I want her and you to get the truth, but in a way that is not harmful.

"Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them." - Ephesians 4:29


Dear Sweet Baby Girl,

    You are loved.  
  
I want to tell you the beautiful and wonderful story of you, but before anything else, I want you to know you are deeply loved.  Your story is written and continues to be written by our glorious and loving Father in Heaven. God has a plan for you, sweet girl. He has plans and thoughts about you. Plans of peace and well-being. Plans, not of disaster, but of hope and a future.  

We received the call on a Friday morning. I was at work and did not listen to the message until that afternoon. They told me they were looking for a home for you.  They said you were born too soon and would most likely come home on oxygen, a feeding tube and an apnea machine.  My heart sunk for you, but I was certain you were already in loving arms with another family. I sent the message to your (foster) Dad and asked his opinion. He is very level headed and said we'd  need to find a daycare first. I was going to take you without thinking, but things needed to be in place.  It turns out we found a place with our first call.  Then I called back about you, and wouldn't you know it...God had a place for you in our home.  

We met you that Monday in the NICU. Like kids running down stairs on Christmas morning, we couldn't wait to meet you and wrap you in our arms.  We saw you there, lying in your hospital crib, attached to wires and machines.  My love for you grew that very instant and I couldn't let you go.  We spoke to nurses about how you were born and saw that God had strengthened you within those few days after our call.  You no longer needed those machines to survive. You were doing it all on your own! We couldn't take you home until Friday, just to make sure you were strong enough without the machines.  I came back that Tuesday morning and spent the day with you. I sang songs, told you about your new brother and sisters, aunts and uncles, Nanas and Papas. You smiled so big as we visited about the people who love you.  

Daddy came to visit the next night and then I spent the night with you that Thursday. I held you as long as I could, slept a few hours and fed you through the night.  I spoke with nurses and social workers and anyone I could gather to learn to all I could about you.  It turns out you had a rough start. You were born a twin, but your sister just wasn't healthy enough.  We pray for you in the loss you have already lived in such a short time. Your sister is with Jesus, in his arms, smiling and giggling as you will do some day here on Earth.  You were born so very tiny and required immediate medical attention.  You had an infection, several blood transfusions and were in isolation.  My, how far you have come sweet girl! God is good! 

Your birth Mom and Dad came to visit you on your last day in the hospital. They love you so much.  They were sad to leave you, sad they could  not bring you home, and worried about you going home with a stranger. My heart ached for them.  I prayed that God would give them peace and let them know you were safe and loved.  

We brought you home that Friday. Your siblings couldn't stand it any longer! They ADORE you!!  You had many visitors and I made sure they were as sanitized as possible before they held you! We had expected an older child, but family and friends came through like they always do and we were prepared for you in less than 24 hours. That first night was different for you.  It was a new bed, a new home and no machines. You didn't sleep well, but we held you close and sang to you.  

I wish I could give you details of the next few days, but adjusting to an infant is harder than it looks ;)  You sleep very well  now, only waking around 3 a.m. for a feeding.  You require special feeding instructions as your swallowing reflex is weak from the feeding tube.  You have a TON of people looking out for you. In one week alone we had 7 appointments for you. These were doctors, occupational therapists, home-health, social workers and a visit with your parents.  I'm exhausted as I'm sure you are too.  However, you are growing and getting stronger every day. It is all worth it, my sweet girl. You are worth it.

Your first visit with your birth Mom and Dad was a good one. I saw your Mom coming, she ran through the doors, eager to hold you once again. She looked at me with anger and misunderstanding. My heart hurt so bad for her. I can only imagine the pain she has felt, not holding you or knowing how you are for a whole week.  As two mothers with an unending love, I felt connected to her in that moment. It wasn't right that she couldn't be there for you, but it's out of her control and she had you back, if only for an hour.  

Sweet girl, I have no idea where your story will go from here. They are looking for family that can take you in safely and care for you correctly. This will give you the best chance of being with your birth parents.  Daddy and I pray and hope only for your safety and well-being, wherever that may be. Please know this: You always have a home here. Always.  Whatever happens, we love you unconditionally, and we are here for you.

Finally, I have to thank you.  You have given me an incredible gift, sweet girl.  Every day with you has an unsettling feeling of being our last.  We don't know when you will leave us or if you ever will. Because of that, I have the gift of a love deeper and stronger than I've ever known. I love you whole-heartily and without reservation. I make every moment count with you because my moments are not certain.  You have taught me to love my birth children just the same.  I have taken them for granted. I have taken the time I have with them for granted, and it is no more guaranteed with them than it is with you.  You have made me a better mother.  

Wherever you go, wherever you are, my love will follow you.

Always and Forever,

Mommy