We finished class 8 of 9 for foster care licensing and had our first of three home studies completed this week. I also got the bedroom painted. BIG WEEK!
Only it felt more like a dud. Our last class was a summative of all we've learned/talked about and the final class will be a question and answer session. We will have a panel of foster care experts to hear from and quiz; including a judge, foster parent, attorney, adoption specialist and case worker. However, right now I am more concerned over the 'tidbits' we didn't cover, but briefly touched on. Things I think are REALLY important to know and matter a great deal!
Things like:
*You cannot cut the child's hair in any manner other than a trim in the same style-without their parents' permission. WHAT?! Lord help me if I get a little boy with a pony tail, or worse...a RAT tale.
*A child can require 2 to 3 visits a week with family. If I get a child from Jackson county, you're going to meet me half way, right?!
* The time frame a child has to be seen by a physician (within 24 hrs of entering care) and the time frame they have to see a dentist (30 days, I think) These were BRIEFLY mentioned in class. WHO HAS THIS LIST AND HOW DO I GET MY HANDS ON IT?
These are things I NEED to know. I have spent the last 2 months opening my heart and mind to reunification, now someone tell me what I can and cannot do to take care of the CHILD!!
Frustrating to say the least. Something else that is frustrating...I cleaned my ENTIRE house and the case worker didn't even take a look around. I ran around frantic for 2 days, lost sleep, shoved things in the dryer that could have caused a fire and worked like a mad woman so she could step foot in my living room and dining room. I wanted to scream at her,
"LOOK AT MY HOUSE! DO you SEE how clean it is! I have 3 kids, ma'am. Count them! 3 little destroyers who are sitting quietly on the couch, watching a G-rated movie, TOGETHER, with no fighting, whining or food around them. Do you not SEE the miracle in front of your own eyes?!?"
But instead, we talked for an hour and fifteen minutes about our families, how we were raised/disciplined/shown love and how we relate to each member in our family now. We handed her our life on paper. Every last detail and dollar sign. We talked about our style of working things out and our alcohol consumption. ;) She finished by saying it was a good place to 'stop' and we only had about 8 more pages to go. See you in two weeks.
Wow. What a dud. Next time my house will not be clean.
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Thursday, April 9, 2015
Foster Care to Adoption: Classes
We have just wrapped up our 5th out of 9 classes to become a certified Foster Family. They are 3 hours each, every Tuesday evening. The support we've had from family is amazing, especially after hearing some stories from other couples in our classes. We've had a great rotation of babysitters who are eager to care for our children so we can take the necessary steps to adding to our family. Our 6 year old is still confused as to why we actually have to take classes to parent. In her words, "Don't they know you already have 3 kids? You KNOW how to parent!" I'm sure in 10 years or less, her perception on our parenting ability will change, but for now, she's pretty confident in us.
The classes have been helpful, emotional, full of knowledge and at times, exhausting. We've learned the developmental milestones of a child so we can pinpoint where they are at compared to where they need to be. (Imagine my 2 years of child development college classes wrapped up into 3 hours.) We've been taught how the system works and doesn't work and how to become the child's #1 advocate, along with what the state requires of us. Did you know we are required to keep a "Life Book" for every child? A scrapbook, in essence, so they can have their life recorded and good memories in tact to look at as they grow. Enter guilty mom conscious here: my 3 year old has 1 page done in his BABY book!
The MAIN point in fostering that is beat into our heads over and over is this: Reunification with their birth family. I already know what you are thinking. How on Earth could you ever allow a child to go back into the home where they were abused? Some of these children were born addicted to drugs, were neglected and/or abused physically/mentally/emotionally/sexually. How could the system fail these children so much that you would allow them to ever be joined to a person or family who couldn't take care of them in the first place? I often think these classes should be forced upon the families before birth of their child rather than those of us who are trying to correct their wrongs.
If I have learned anything through these classes it is empathy. What they have done is wrong and inexcusable. However, by the grace of God I had parents who stayed together and love each other so that I could see a good example of commitment, love and a healthy marriage. By the grace of God, I was fed, clothed and loved as a child. I know how to bathe my children, feed them, love them and provide for them because I was taught by example. By the grace of God, I grew up in a community of family and friends who support each other, help each other and pray for each other. I know how to cook, clean, do laundry, find a job, ask for help, buy a car, continue my education, grocery shop, earn a paycheck and take care of myself because of the example given to me.
Think of your own life as it is right this minute. Do you have a job? Money in the bank? Transportation? Food in your fridge? Family who supports you, even just one? Friends? Passion? Health?
Take it all away and tell me how you will care for yourself and your children. These parents do not want to lose their child. They honestly want the best. They don't know how to give it. Perhaps they grew up poor, hungry, dirty and abused. They will parent by example. Perhaps they had a job, family, friends. But something happened and one by one they lost it all. They are hanging on by a thread with no resources to help. They don't know how to reach the resources. They numb their pain by their drug of choice. They can't take care of themselves and in turn, cannot care for their child. The birth bond is incomparable by nature. IF these parents can get help, IF they can turn their life around and IF these relationships can be mended, is that not the best option? They deserve a chance and the child deserves their family whole, IF possible, because they are human and we all make mistakes.
Unfortunately, the IF is hard and often not reached. The government has finally put a cap on how much time the family has to turn it around. They give them the help they need, the resources and the support, but these children cannot hang in limbo their entire life. They need an identity, a family and support to grow into healthy adults.
This system is not perfect, just as our world is not. The children in the system are not at fault and they need love. God has a plan for them. I get sick to my stomach every time I think about the details of why a child might come to us. I cannot fathom the life they are living at this very moment, while we take classes and prepare a room for them. I know the possible outcomes of this. I also know the outcome for them if we don't do something.
The classes have been helpful, emotional, full of knowledge and at times, exhausting. We've learned the developmental milestones of a child so we can pinpoint where they are at compared to where they need to be. (Imagine my 2 years of child development college classes wrapped up into 3 hours.) We've been taught how the system works and doesn't work and how to become the child's #1 advocate, along with what the state requires of us. Did you know we are required to keep a "Life Book" for every child? A scrapbook, in essence, so they can have their life recorded and good memories in tact to look at as they grow. Enter guilty mom conscious here: my 3 year old has 1 page done in his BABY book!
The MAIN point in fostering that is beat into our heads over and over is this: Reunification with their birth family. I already know what you are thinking. How on Earth could you ever allow a child to go back into the home where they were abused? Some of these children were born addicted to drugs, were neglected and/or abused physically/mentally/emotionally/sexually. How could the system fail these children so much that you would allow them to ever be joined to a person or family who couldn't take care of them in the first place? I often think these classes should be forced upon the families before birth of their child rather than those of us who are trying to correct their wrongs.
If I have learned anything through these classes it is empathy. What they have done is wrong and inexcusable. However, by the grace of God I had parents who stayed together and love each other so that I could see a good example of commitment, love and a healthy marriage. By the grace of God, I was fed, clothed and loved as a child. I know how to bathe my children, feed them, love them and provide for them because I was taught by example. By the grace of God, I grew up in a community of family and friends who support each other, help each other and pray for each other. I know how to cook, clean, do laundry, find a job, ask for help, buy a car, continue my education, grocery shop, earn a paycheck and take care of myself because of the example given to me.
Think of your own life as it is right this minute. Do you have a job? Money in the bank? Transportation? Food in your fridge? Family who supports you, even just one? Friends? Passion? Health?
Take it all away and tell me how you will care for yourself and your children. These parents do not want to lose their child. They honestly want the best. They don't know how to give it. Perhaps they grew up poor, hungry, dirty and abused. They will parent by example. Perhaps they had a job, family, friends. But something happened and one by one they lost it all. They are hanging on by a thread with no resources to help. They don't know how to reach the resources. They numb their pain by their drug of choice. They can't take care of themselves and in turn, cannot care for their child. The birth bond is incomparable by nature. IF these parents can get help, IF they can turn their life around and IF these relationships can be mended, is that not the best option? They deserve a chance and the child deserves their family whole, IF possible, because they are human and we all make mistakes.
Unfortunately, the IF is hard and often not reached. The government has finally put a cap on how much time the family has to turn it around. They give them the help they need, the resources and the support, but these children cannot hang in limbo their entire life. They need an identity, a family and support to grow into healthy adults.
This system is not perfect, just as our world is not. The children in the system are not at fault and they need love. God has a plan for them. I get sick to my stomach every time I think about the details of why a child might come to us. I cannot fathom the life they are living at this very moment, while we take classes and prepare a room for them. I know the possible outcomes of this. I also know the outcome for them if we don't do something.
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