Foster Care to Adoption: The End

After our last placement with a teenager that went wrong in every way possible, Sean and I decided foster care was not right for our family. Among many reasons, we discovered that our county lives up to its reputation of being the worst in the area when it comes to caring for the children.  We saw the confusion, disruption and turmoil that it brought into our home, our marriage and onto our children.   We decided to let our licensing run out and help the children in our community a different way, however we could.

We didn't complete a single required hour of training in 2 years and didn't sign a single paper reinstating our license, yet we received a continued license from the state for fostering and continued to get numerous calls for children after demanding we be removed from the calling list.  The state is desperate for foster homes, and it's easy to see why.

August of 2016, the week school started, we received a call for 2 year old twins in the Noyes Home. The home was at capacity and could not keep them, and they were from out of state with no connections to Missouri.  It was intended to be a very short-term placement as they contacted family in their home state.  The bio mother is a user, among other things, and the father was not being considered as a safe or reasonable placement.

We took them. We opened our home, our hearts, our lives and our license to care for these children.  We took two malnourished, terrified, sick babies and loved them. We stood in awe as our family and friends, our church and our co-workers poured into us and provided us with EVERYTHING we needed.  Beds, car seats, clothes, shoes, food, prayers...EVERYTHING! We potty-trained one who was ready, created a stable and consistent routine, began seeing major speech progress in a non-speaking child, figured out allergies, habits, discipline and everything else that goes with having a child. 

We did this as we weekly took them to visits where children were literally pried from my hands, kicking and screaming because they didn't want to spend one hour with their bio-parents.  We attended monthly team meetings where we witnessed the bio-parents manipulate the system and attempt to use the children against each other. We prepared the twins for visits, only to have the bio parents cancel at the last minute because they were too high to attend.  We watched as they showed up high in court, and get 3 more months to work on themselves while the children suffered.  We sat around tables where family members begged they be adopted by us, but the team chose to give the parents more time.  We watched our own children patiently work with them on behaviors, close their doors for time to breathe, form strong sibling bonds, help me dress, bathe, feed and buckle these kids just so I could have a moment to pull myself together and get out the door. We watched our kids shut down from the stress of constant behaviors and attention given to their demands. We held on tight to a marriage that was crumbling because of disagreements, different emotions/ideas and no time to focus on us. We worked with the daycare to come up with solutions and left work when the solutions failed because the twins were kicking teachers and biting play mates due to the stress of their environment. 

We did everything we could.

And then we had to stop.  We had to make the heartbreaking decision to hand these children off to a more capable family and better situation then what we could provide before too much damage was done. 

I'm not sure I've cried so hard and so ugly ever before in my life. For weeks.  There were ranges of emotions between hurt, hatred and defeat that will never be spoken of, because this world has enough of that already.  The evil that comes into your home and life when you begin a journey like this is like nothing I've ever encountered, and I was simply not strong enough for it. 

I made the excruciating call to their caseworker and begged that he not put them in the first available home, but find the best one that could be their forever home.  If he couldn't do that, I vowed to retract my statements and keep them as long as necessary.  I prayed hard for a family to fit these twins, to love them wholeheartedly, and to be strong enough to fight this system. 

God answered those prayers immediately.  After speaking with the new foster mom for 45 minutes, a friendship was created that is an absolute miracle. After meeting the family and bringing the twins to visit, I knew without a doubt that this family was God's match.  As I cried in pain after handing them off this week, I took great comfort in feeling like I gave my children to my best friend to raise like I would.  We talk daily, share tears, share strategies and pray for each other and these littles that we both love.  God is good, even when the world is rampant with evil.

So we close the license for good, now. I don't know what is in store for our future, but I hope YOU know that we greatly appreciate all of the love and support we received and that we did not foster alone.  You were with us every step of the way.  I especially thank our children's teachers and our family as they stepped up this week to love on us as we go through the pain of losing 2 children.  Pray for the new foster family and the twins. Pray for our system and the children involved. 

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Foster Care to Adoption: What Now?

     I waited a month to write this because I wanted my thoughts to be clear. I also waited a month because I never make decisions based solely on “in the moment” emotions and I do my best to not say things I don’t really mean based on “in the moment” emotions. One thing I strive for, especially when it comes to family, is to make sound decisions. Even if the outcome doesn’t go as planned, I can rest easy knowing we did our best and made the best decision we knew how to make. I do this by thinking things through, sometimes over weeks or months depending on the gravity of the decision. I consider the decision during different parts of my day – when I’m motivated, when I’m conscious of others, when I’m tired, when I’m EXHAUSTED, when I’m frustrated, when I’m happy, when I’m thankful. We discuss it with our kids if it pertains to them and we feel that we need their input. Most importantly, I talk with my wife about it. WE make the decisions and WE cuss and discuss our way through it. And we don’t make these decisions until we agree and are in tune with each other about it. Too often married people forget that they are a team, and no I don’t mean “look at how cute a team we make sugar babe” or “we’re a power couple” or “team Farrell”. The team I’m talking about is the team that gets out of bed every morning, and starts doing what needs to be done, because we both know what has to get done, and we both know if we don’t do it, no one else will. Never in my life have I been more confident in our marriage, our ability to navigate the daily challenges of life, and the person God has put in my life to spend my life with. We are absolutely far from perfect, we still disagree on a daily basis, things still irritate each of us. And we probably aren’t the best example to follow. Lol. But we are in a very good place with each other. Finally, never before have I been so thankful for the amazing children we have. Obviously I’ve always loved and been thankful for them, but my love and appreciation for them in all areas has grown deeply.

                I had to say that to lay the foundation for this: we have made some extremely difficult decisions and dealt with less than ideal situations, and characters, to build the confidence and relationship mentioned above. Our most recent, and possibly most difficult to date, was our decision to stop fostering children. Our foster journey was a short, but eye-opening one. Naively we both believed the theory “most of these kids just need a stable environment, a schedule, and love”. That, my friends, is total and complete bullshit. A lot of the kids in “the system” are in need of far more help than a stable home can provide. For one, they’re in need of doctors that don’t over-prescribe, over-diagnose, and under estimate. They’re in need of case workers who actually take at least 10 seconds to consider where this certain child would fit best and where they would not fit well at all. They’re in need of a judicial system that stops giving multi-repeat offenders chance after chance after chance. They’re in need of a DNA transfusion (wait, did Sean just seriously say they’re in need of a DNA transfusion?) yup – I did say that. This part is most definitely going to offend someone, but an overwhelming amount of kids WHO ARE ADOPTED AS BABIES AND NEVER EVEN MEET THEIR BIOLOGICAL PARENTS go on to live a life exactly like the one they were taken out of and just continue the cycle. Don’t confuse my point, I also have heard success stories and it makes them that much sweeter. I know that sounds extremely cold and harsh, but it’s the simple truth.

                So now I know you’re thinking “Well Sean, I don’t think quitting is helping these children at all.” And you would be correct. But we decided that cycling child after child through our home was having a negative effect on almost every part of our life, and most importantly, OUR children’s lives. To be honest we had kids come into our home that absolutely, positively, without question, should not have been placed in a home with ANY other children present. I stated in an earlier post that it wasn’t my responsibility to judge or accuse, and I stand by that point, but I refuse to ignore the judgement I was given to protect my family. Simple as that. There are people that are awesome at fostering, and I wish there were more. Because the people that can look past the incredibly inept and under-qualified system that has custody of these kids, and just focus on the kids, are TRULY a special sort. They deal with issues daily that I wouldn’t wish on an enemy. Some of those people are reading this and WE thank you for what you do. Your patience and undying positivity is incredible.

                So, what now? Well, now we raise our 3 awesome, mouthy, whiney, but so lovable children. Now we take off for an out-of-state vacation without having to get it approved by 3 different committees. Now we donate money and time to the people who are called to foster. Now we donate money and time to educational organizations focused on job skills and future planning with the hopes that the people who come out of good education become successful and do the same with their time and money!! Now we focus on running an awesome preschool program for the little lives of tomorrow. Now we focus on building a business that has proved itself and will hopefully someday provide several excellent jobs to deserving people.

                Lastly, I’m not one to say “never” because that has a way of guaranteeing the “never” to become reality. As of now we have no plans to foster but every situation is unique. We truly thank those who have been supportive to our family and our families themselves. It is MUCH appreciated.

Thanks again, 

Sean and Ashley

Foster Care to Adoption: Fail

I had hoped I would never have to write this type of blog.  It was never our intention or desire for a placement to end like this. 

We took the call a few weeks ago. A 9 year old girl leveled at behavioral. This means she has had issues in the past of non-compliance, acting out, most likely ADHD and lacked parental structure and support. We asked the right questions, thought on it, and although we clearly stated we would only take 'traditional' level children at this time, we agreed to meet her and then to a weekend visit. 

Our first visit with her was heartbreaking. You could clearly see ADHD was evident, she was very shy, dirty and scattered.  We agreed to a weekend visit and she blossomed.  We truly believed with nourishment, love, support and good sleep, this girl would thrive. I asked more questions and learned her sad history and that no one in her family was coming for her.  She had no one.  We discussed it with our oldest, making sure she was ok with the placement of an older child in our home and discussing with her the necessity for open communication. I took her shopping for new school supplies and clothes that were clean and fit well.

Within 24 hours of taking custody we were left with immense frustration and surprise.  She was on an extreme dose of powerful medication, showed signs of sexual abuse and had clear mental instability.  I specifically asked about all of these things, very thoroughly. We were lied to and now we were stuck between a rock and a hard place.  We knew this type of situation would be too much too handle while raising our 3 young children. However, our children seemed to be adapting well to her and she was doing well in school. Her 3rd one in 2 months.  We debated and agonized for many nights over what to do.  We thought we could handle it, give her stability and these things would work out.

Then our oldest began having anxiety attacks, our youngest was clingy and needy, I was becoming sick with stress and within 5 days my marriage was struggling.  I knew the answer, but I also knew what that meant. That I had failed. Not just a fail that you learn from and move on. I failed a child.  It's another move. Her 6th move in less than a year.  She was tossed between family members for some, but abused in foster care as well. 

I felt like I was giving up on her and she wasn't important enough for me to try.  She was hard to love, for sure...but she is a life worth loving.  That being said, I have children and a husband and a job and home that need to thrive just as much as she does. Ignoring them would be unfair.  There was no easy answer to this. For every pro there was a con.  In the end, I had to contact her caseworker, give her the facts and ask for a new placement for her. She immediately began with the guilt trip of how well she was doing and this had been her best placement yet.  I don't blame her...it's hard to place a child in the right home.  Either way, it wasn't working and she legally had 2 weeks to find a new home.

Then, things turned.  I took her to her psychologist appointment in Kansas City and within a few hours she was being admitted for observation.  This isn't how I had hoped it would go, but she is finally getting the treatment she so desperately needs and I can only pray she is placed in a home that can devote the time and attention she so deserves. 

We have already gotten another call from Home Finding. To say this isn't emotionally exhausting would be a lie.  There are so many needs out there, so many children caught in the middle of poverty and abuse. 

For us, we're taking a step back. We need to regroup, rethink, refocus and heal ourselves.  I'm not sure what God has planned for our future or what we will decide from here, but for now we're putting our focus back on our kids that He has blessed us with.

Until then...

Disclaimer: A blue collar dad in a Foster world

                It’s 3 words on my phone screen. 2 nouns and a verb to be exact. 3 words that all of us use multiple times in our daily vocabulary. However, when arranged in a certain order, they form a phrase that’s familiar to a very small group of people. “Home Finding Center”. And when you see that phrase come up on your phone screen as an incoming call, there’s one reason, and one reason only that your phone is ringing. A child somewhere out there needs a place to land, a bed to rest in, 3 square meals a day, and someone to ensure that it happens. I’ve taken 2 of those calls now. Ashley took the first. And even after sitting in hours of training and driving many miles back and forth to and from said training, it still catches me off guard when they call to actually ask the question, “Do you have room for this child?” It catches me off guard because, like many of us, my days start early, at a high rate of speed, and it only increases from there. I spend my day juggling a phone, a steering wheel, some wrenches, a checkbook, and what I can only hope and pray are the right parts in order to keep my already unraveling schedule somewhat parallel to the plan. Guess what’s the farthest thing from my mind during all this? You guessed it – “Mr. and Mrs. Farrell, we have a child coming into care that needs a home.” Then that’s followed by a brief description of the child, sex, race, age. Which in fact are things that have become almost unnecessary information to me. My brain is actually hearing, “Mr. Farrell there’s a human out there that needs your families’ help and resources.” It’s not a baby girl, not a baby boy, not a black toddler, not a Latino teenager, not a Caucasian 9 yr old girl. It’s a human, just like me, just like you. If only our world would adopt a bit of that mindset.

                This is my first blog post and to be an honest, I couldn’t give you the specific definition of what a blog even is. From what I can tell it’s just a published journal entry so that’s what you’re getting here. I’m going to give a little back story on who I am and how I ended up here. If you would’ve talked to me back in high school or the following few years and told me that I’d be a foster parent, I would’ve told you not only that you’re crazy, but also that you’re just wrong. I never planned on being a parent to anyone. I didn’t dislike kids or have a deep seated reason for not wanting any. I was the oldest of 4 so I’d had plenty of kid time. And I was ready to head out into the world at a dead run and kids just didn’t enter into that equation. I loved my life but school was not my forte and the quicker I could put distance between me and that phase of life was for the better.

                Enter - Ashley Schubert. Ashley was my girlfriend through high school and we were crazy about each other. But we fought. Constantly. About anything. About everything. Lol. I think we both assumed we’d drift apart after high school, but getting into the world where I could get traction and be challenged calmed me down significantly. I began to choose my battles and we grew closer and closer and I proposed in July of ’04. We were young, so young. Lol. But one thing was very clear, if Ashley was in my life, kids would be in my life. I’d never seen anything like it, she was like a small human magnet. Kids flocked to her and she was excellent with them. And she loved them, all of them, no matter their color, code, or history. And anyone who’s ever seen her work with kids knows EXACTLY what I’m talking about. She’s a natural. And don’t think for a second that kids can’t tell this. They can. Ashley has always worked in child care in some form or another and although I didn’t know it was possible, she’s gotten even better with them. She’s been to class after class and tons of training sessions. And when you couple that with the real world, daily experience she has with kids, she can tell you why they act like that, what caused them to become like that, and the best plan to keep them on or steer them towards a healthy start at life whether it be socially, nutritionally, academically or otherwise. Her love for the smallest of us has truly rubbed off on me, and I couldn’t ask for a more kick-ass team mate to march down this journey with. Brian and Vickie – you raised a truly amazing person.

                We’ve just taken in our 2^nd placement. She’s a human and she needs what all young humans need. A stable environment, a schedule that includes a bedtime, someone to tell her to shower, daily. And possibly most of all, interaction with kids who have had all those things since they were born. I must admit, in high school and the years after, I became very negative and intolerant towards people in our society who I assumed were “using” the system. It angered me that some of us work so hard and others just choose not to. And government just seemed to not care either way. In fact, as a business owner it almost always seemed that they were encouraging me to give up and live off a welfare check. This, my friends, turned out to be a major flaw of mine. And I still fight to keep that “I pay my taxes, I work 60 hr weeks, I get up at dawn every day, I put food on the table” mindset from raring its head. Because there’s always more to a situation than meets the eye. I have no way of knowing what these people have been through. I have no way of knowing what their true mental state is. I have no way of knowing how their parents treated them as a child. And you know the best part? It’s not my job to figure any of that out, or drag myself down thinking about it. My job is to help people however I can, and if I’m unsure of whether a person actually needs my help or is using me, I will tell you that it’s always better to error on the side of grace. I’m not saying to ignore your gut or walk blindly into dangerous circumstances. But it will always be to your benefit to error on the side of grace. Thank you Pastor Brian Zahnd for making that simple statement.

                The little girl in our home now is doing awesome. I don’t have a whole lot to say yet because she’s only been here a day. But so far, she hasn’t done anything they told us she would. If anything, she’s only proven the fact that you’re a product of your environment. Not that we have the perfect environment, but she’s been polite, courteous, even helpful. When she arrived she told us she didn’t eat much, we soon found out this was false. Lol. She is an eating machine, she must be trying to out-do our daughter Natalie because she has done nothing but inhale food all day. Then my wife comes into my office tonight with glistening eyes telling me how the girl came to her and said how much she loves it here because she doesn’t have to steal food when no one is looking. She’d been being punished for eating more than her allotment. Here comes my anger back into my head, “what kind of piece of “blank” person punishes a growing kid for eating?!?” Hold up there Sean, maybe they only had enough for 3 meals, maybe that food was for another kid. Point is, again, I don’t know details. My job is to make sure she’s getting plenty of healthy food when she’s here and is not punished for eating without asking. (We’re not talking about candy here, the girl is asking us before almost every bite if she can have bread or pears). Last night Ash taught her how to properly shower and prepare for bed. This morning she helped me change a bike tire and followed that up by learning to ride the bike!! I promise you that teaching a 9 year old how to ride a bike would never even occur to me as our 4 yr old buzzes by and our 6 & 8 yr old fly by on their 4 wheeler. Onto the next challenge! Maybe tomorrow we’ll teach her to drive or mow grass! Point is, she’s interested in learning and is successful when challenged. And that is more uplifting than you can imagine.

                I knew when we took her it’d be much different than a baby. And it’d make a preemie baby with endless appointments look like a cake walk. But at the same time I’m excited. She’s 9 which means we can carry on a conversation, she’s able to go and do fun stuff that our family loves to do so much of. She’s a perfect playmate for our kids which are 4,6, and 8. I know there will be struggles and moments of pain. But this is what we signed up for. As long as she’s in our care she’ll be fed, bathed, clothed, and maybe even have her hair done! She was the happiest looking disaster of a 9 yr old girl I’d ever seen when she came to visit. Lol. She’s smart, caring, and beautiful and we will enjoy and learn in the time we have with her.

                I’ll finish by thanking each and every one of you who has expressed thanks or provided supplies or help to us. I feel awkward even writing this but I know people need encouragement and enjoy hearing the stories. Someday I’ll get Ash talked into writing that book we always say we should write. It’s a good life folks, enjoy what you’ve been afforded and help someone in need even if it seems like the simplest thing.

                                -Sean-

Let Me Hold You Longer

  There's a children's book written by one of my favorite authors, Karen Kingsbury. It is more for the mamma's out there, fighting time to hold still but days to fly by, more than for the children in their laps.  It begins like this:

Long ago you came to me,
A miracle of firsts:
First smiles and teeth and baby steps,
A sunbeam on the burst.
But one day you will move away
and leave to me your past,
And I will be left thinking of
a lifetime of your lasts...

 

Our time with baby girl was short. 46 days.  In that short time we saw her strengthen her muscles, grow in weight and height, become alert, aware of surroundings and responsive to noise and touch.  We watched her smile her first smile, follow our kids as they danced around her, respond to our voices and sleep on our chests.  She improved in her eating so much that she is able to eat with no assistance (holding her cheek or chin to latch)  and we don't use thickener at least twice a day.  This is huge for an infant born at 24 weeks and in the NICU for 4 months.  She has only been out for a little over 1 month now and, other than size, she is a normal, healthy, vibrant baby girl.

We have driven over 1,000 miles in 1 month for doctor visits, family visits, court dates and team meetings.  We have been flooded with love from friends and family along with diapers, clothes, blankets, bows and anything else we needed.  

This experience has been beautiful.  We have prepared our children well for her 'graduation' and though we are sad, we are proud to have been a part in her story. 

The other side of reality:

There is no pain like that of an empty car seat.  The social worker was scheduled to come to my house and transport her to family. However, she got sick and it was on me to get the job done. We could have delayed it another day, but how confusing and heart wrenching would that have been to my kids?  I gathered her clothes, bottles, formula, and all things baby girl that we wouldn't be keeping.  I wrote a letter to her parents in her communication notebook we have been using. I told them how precious she was and what a miracle from God they had been given. I thanked them for trusting us with her and told them we love her and will miss her deeply.  Then I put her in the car one last time, drove her to her new home and placed her in the arms of another woman who said to me, "I'm scared she'll miss you." 

I held it together as I taught her how to feed her, gave her a list of upcoming appointments and her daily schedule we had been using.  She rushed around frantic, telling me all they things they had gotten for baby girl. We talked about her daycare, her sleeping habits and her love to be sang to.  Then my baby boy (who was never suppose to witness this) gave her a kiss and said, "Let's take her home now, mamma."  

Tears flooded both my eyes and this woman's. She asked if it was too overwhelming, would I take her back? Oh yes, a hundred times yes.  We exchanged email and numbers and I promised to support her however I could.  And then I walked out with an empty car seat and a confused little boy.  

I fought back tears as I tried to explain to my 4 year old that she had a new home with her family. He didn't understand and he wanted her badly.  I switched the subject to ice cream and, thank God, he loves to eat ice cream.  

I napped with him today, holding him tighter and smelling his sweet hair. I thanked God over and over again that I had 3 kids at home to love on, because I'm not sure I could do this without that relief.  Then I picked up my daughters from school and held one with tears in her eyes. reminding her that God is watching over baby girl and protecting her, and we did our job.  

Despite all of that, I was given a huge blessing. I knew when her last with us would be and so I held on longer and loved her harder. I knew at 3 a.m. it would be my last feeding in the middle of the night and I sang to her "Jesus loves You".  I knew it was her last bath and I massaged her feet longer. I held her tighter and focused on her features more than ever before this morning.  What a blessing that is to have. 

No regrets.